Cinematic Connoisseur Gifts

"The script isn't funny, but maybe if we put some unfunny actors in it and get an unfunny director it will be funny."

"Jackie Chan is great, but John Woo is God."

"Chills, Randy. I feel chills. And I can't move." "And I can't remember the last time my palms were this sweaty." "This must've been what people felt like when they heard the Allies were finally invading Normandy on D-Day." "No way any movie can live up to this hype." "Wolverine day is almost upon us." "We are about to embark upon the great crusade..."

'You say it's a dramedy? We thought it was more of a coma.'

"Aha Mr. Bond - you are in my power!....but instead of just killing you, I'll blether on and on about my plans for world domination so you have time to think of an ingenious way to escape my clutches..."

'What will it be tonight? Gore and dismemberment, idiotic and foul-mouthed comedy aimed at fifteen-year-old boys, a macho revenge fantasy, or our special combo platter?'

I love Horror Films

'The History Channel is all reruns.'

Louis Armstrong

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

Sure, he's a zombie but hey, it's nice to finally meet someone who is more interested in my brains than my body.

"My dad says we eat honey 'cause it has lots of vitamin Bee."

"I said the males were 'evolving' – I didn't say they were 'maturing.'"

New and improved! BunkerBuster! Get out of the sand trap every single time - or your money back!!

hard-boiled egg...

"Hey, pal, let's hear 'Doggie in the Window' again, and this time play it like you mean it!"

'He likes to power nap.'

"Remind me: Is it the New York Critics Award or the Sundance Audience Prize that always lets us down?"

"I warned you not to use that club...now look, you struck oil!"

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

'Tony, you always try to lead.'

Mrs. Claus has a ladies night out.

'These goalscoring celebrations are getting out of hand.'

Night of the Latkes

Farm Humor.

'Which one of you told Glurk to stretch before running?'

The Trojan Beagle.

Happy Hour

10 Good Things about a Minnesota Winter.

'Gimme a Canadian club on the rocks!'

'Which wine list would you like, Sir - Classics or Plonk?'

Girl who can't cook meets guys who can't fix stuff.

"And I'll have that lightly sedated, please."

The Snarky District

Emergency Phone.