Cia Director Gifts

"I have a few questions, Miss Haspel, about your fitness to serve as the director of the C.I.A."

Petraeus Sex Scandal.

'Eisenhower had an affair - but it was during the years of 'don't ask, don't tell.''

"Looks like we found the issue."

"This position has become very important to the company."

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

'Finally! A meeting with one of the bigwigs.'

"I was just going to say, 'Well, I don't make the rules.' But, of course, I do make the rules."

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

Showbiz Awards

'How fast can you hype?'

James Bond in a Snow Globe

Benedict Cumberbatch

Director/Action Man toy.

"Do you see yourself becoming a movie in five years?"

'Believing any filming experience may help launch acting careers, some even stage their appearances before closed circuit cameras.'

Producer, Director and Novelizer.

"Boss, the AI is actually smarter than all of us! It read our business forecast, jumped up and ran out laughing!"

'AT&T? I'm letting you go. I'm down-sizing too!'

Department of Theatre, Film and Television: Lights...Camera...Unemployment!

"I'll do the movie but I want to be highly compensated and highly acclaimed."

Golfing Boss

Bo're'droom

Business meeting, CEO is dressed strangely as he asks: 'Any questions?'

'We're finding out that those 'wrongs' we made 'right' were actually right after all.'

'Take a few days off. Suck some necks ...'

"Welcome to Off-Off-Off Broadway."

"Remind me: Is it the New York Critics Award or the Sundance Audience Prize that always lets us down?"

"Hey grandpa, tell us more about the time you were in that Steven Spielberg movie."

Ernie Studios. Hi, Ernie. What movies are you working on? We have a script about astronauts marooned on a planet filed with talking gorillas who are in hard economic times. I think I'll call it "The Apes of Wrath"! We're casting "Reignman." The central character is a savant monarch. And we're filming a movie about a suburban town populated by women with strange, long hair ... It's called "The Stepford Weaves."

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

'As our new company logo, I'm not quite sure it's sending out the right message.'

'The good news is I had a very good year.'