Churchgoers With A Twist Gifts

"Cutting edge stuff, Mrs Bellamy - Cordless Bell Ringing."

"Sorry, I left my credit cards at home!"

'The church is packed, since I started showing the football on a Sunday!'

"Attendance is way up since they substituted fortune cookies for those funny little wafers."

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

Kid to pastor: 'Which office is heaven?'

Lady about the cross: 'Now that all of us have trusted Christ, this is our family tree.'

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"I've heard great things about your church. Thought I would visit and say keep up the good work."

'I won't be coming to church any more, Reverend -- I've decided to convert to golf.'

Sunday 10 and 2: The Usual Superstitions.

United Church of OMG

"Since we now have a leaking roof problem, it might be a good time to schedule baptisms."

"Hey Frank, any plans for after church?"

"Collections were down. We had to get creative."

Sunday Sermon: Does God Prefer Particular Sports Teams?

'That ISN'T the way to keep the Mass to an hour.'

"I don't like the way the new pastor is looking at his flock."

'I didn't know the church sold an extended warrenty on marriage?'

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

The 1st annual pet baptism was also the last

"Instagram . . . weAPPon of mass distraction."

"The wages of sin are ... pretty damn attractive."

"We learned in Sunday School today that God uses illegal surveillance techniques."

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

Four Chanting Monks

"...and, for those parishioners who insist on a Eucharist made with all organic, locally-sourced ingredients, see Father Maguire at aisle three."

IOUs In The Church Collection Plate

'Nice show but you could use some cartoons.'

Out for lunch... GOD

"And now, a few words about the feel-God factor"

'I understand the new usher is in the restaurant business.'

"Let's start a small group."

'How come I never see you in church?'

"What - no alcohol, no women, no swearing? I want you to say 950 prayers as punishment for wasting your life!"