Churchgoers With A Twist Gifts

"Cutting edge stuff, Mrs Bellamy - Cordless Bell Ringing."

Collection plate at church with signs of the credit cards the church will take.

"Sorry, I left my credit cards at home!"

'The church is packed, since I started showing the football on a Sunday!'

"Attendance is way up since they substituted fortune cookies for those funny little wafers."

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

Kid to pastor: 'Which office is heaven?'

Lady about the cross: 'Now that all of us have trusted Christ, this is our family tree.'

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"I've heard great things about your church. Thought I would visit and say keep up the good work."

'I won't be coming to church any more, Reverend -- I've decided to convert to golf.'

United Church of OMG

Sunday 10 and 2: The Usual Superstitions.

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

"Since we now have a leaking roof problem, it might be a good time to schedule baptisms."

"Hey Frank, any plans for after church?"

'I didn't know the church sold an extended warrenty on marriage?'

Sunday Sermon: Does God Prefer Particular Sports Teams?

"I don't like the way the new pastor is looking at his flock."

'That ISN'T the way to keep the Mass to an hour.'

"Collections were down. We had to get creative."

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

IOUs In The Church Collection Plate

"We learned in Sunday School today that God uses illegal surveillance techniques."

Out for lunch... GOD

Four Chanting Monks

"Instagram . . . weAPPon of mass distraction."

"...and, for those parishioners who insist on a Eucharist made with all organic, locally-sourced ingredients, see Father Maguire at aisle three."

"And now, a few words about the feel-God factor"

Today's Sermon: We come into this world with nothing and we leave with nothing. Is there any chance of a bailout?

"There's someone sleeping in my pew, and she's still there!"

"The wages of sin are ... pretty damn attractive."

'Nice show but you could use some cartoons.'

The 1st annual pet baptism was also the last

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"