Church Goers With A Funny Bone Gifts

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

The new piece of the armor of God, "the facemask of fearlessness."

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"I've heard great things about your church. Thought I would visit and say keep up the good work."

'I won't be coming to church any more, Reverend -- I've decided to convert to golf.'

United Church of OMG

Sunday 10 and 2: The Usual Superstitions.

"Since we now have a leaking roof problem, it might be a good time to schedule baptisms."

"Hey Frank, any plans for after church?"

"Collections were down. We had to get creative."

'That ISN'T the way to keep the Mass to an hour.'

'I didn't know the church sold an extended warrenty on marriage?'

"Are you sure it's okay for cardinals to live at a Protestant church?"

"Hello Mr. Wibley. I haven't seen you in church lately!"

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

"...and, for those parishioners who insist on a Eucharist made with all organic, locally-sourced ingredients, see Father Maguire at aisle three."

IOUs In The Church Collection Plate

'I'm interested in being born again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again.'

'Nice show but you could use some cartoons.'

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

The 1st annual pet baptism was also the last

"The wages of sin are ... pretty damn attractive."

"And now, a few words about the feel-God factor"

"Instagram . . . weAPPon of mass distraction."

Out for lunch... GOD

'I understand the new usher is in the restaurant business.'

'How come I never see you in church?'

"What - no alcohol, no women, no swearing? I want you to say 950 prayers as punishment for wasting your life!"

". . . and don't forget to like and subscribe to my channel. Amen."

'Let us now turn to the Gospel According to St. Matthew for today's sob story.'