Churchgoers_united Gifts

"Is this like when we tip our waiter?"

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

Kid to pastor: 'Which office is heaven?'

'Just ask yourself -- Are you better off now than you were two thousand years ago?'

Early Piety

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

Lady about the cross: 'Now that all of us have trusted Christ, this is our family tree.'

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

'... and bless all of God's creatures with the possible exception of the greenfly...'

Priest

Revival Meeting - Simultaneous translation of all talking in tongues.

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

Waitress to church leader: 'It's your daily bread, Pastor. Remember? You ordered the prayer breakfast.'

'Let us pray...'

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

Verger Works

"Are there any here today who feel this union is not in the best interests of baseball?"

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'Don't believe everything you read in the papers!' (Vicar to lady reading the war cry).

'Father James, I slept with Father Henry from next parish... Is that a sin?' - 'Of course!! You belong to my parish!'

Baptism Then and Now

"I like to use new Bible words. Let's beseech Mom for cookies."

"God created Heaven and Earth in seven days but has failed us miserably with Brexit."

"No, the Trinity is not the Father, The Son, and the Preacher's wife."

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

Midwest Winter Items.

"As a child of the pastor, did you stop and think that just because you can belch the books of the Bible, should you?"