Churchgoer With A Microbiology Degree Gifts

'Has the font been swabbed for MRSA'

Kid to pastor: 'Which office is heaven?'

"Trust me Jesus, if you want to make a bigger impact work on being seeker friendly."

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

"I've heard great things about your church. Thought I would visit and say keep up the good work."

'I won't be coming to church any more, Reverend -- I've decided to convert to golf.'

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

Sunday 10 and 2: The Usual Superstitions.

United Church of OMG

R.C.I.A.

"Since we now have a leaking roof problem, it might be a good time to schedule baptisms."

God is for life not just for Christmas.

"Hey Frank, any plans for after church?"

'I didn't know the church sold an extended warrenty on marriage?'

"Collections were down. We had to get creative."

"Why do parishioners only eat half their donuts???" "Partial indulgence."

"Pastor Bob is the leader of the flock, son, not the herd."

"Since you're into burnt offerings you should come over some Sunday for one of her special dinners."

"Ever killed a man?"

Friendly bacteria

'Walking your pet amoeba again, Henry?'

Angry vicar wakes up parishioner at the Harvest Festival

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

'Nice show but you could use some cartoons.'

"Attendance is down again this morning. If we want to continue calling ourselves a congregation, we're going to have to congregate."

Out for lunch... GOD

"Instagram . . . weAPPon of mass distraction."

"...and, for those parishioners who insist on a Eucharist made with all organic, locally-sourced ingredients, see Father Maguire at aisle three."

Just what is it that amoebas really want.

"The wages of sin are ... pretty damn attractive."

"10,000 members or not, the Pastor should at least remember my name."

"There's someone sleeping in my pew, and she's still there!"

"And now, a few words about the feel-God factor"