Churchgoer With A Microbiology Degree Pillows

'Has the font been swabbed for MRSA'

Kid to pastor: 'Which office is heaven?'

"Trust me Jesus, if you want to make a bigger impact work on being seeker friendly."

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

"I've heard great things about your church. Thought I would visit and say keep up the good work."

'I won't be coming to church any more, Reverend -- I've decided to convert to golf.'

United Church of OMG

Sunday 10 and 2: The Usual Superstitions.

"Since we now have a leaking roof problem, it might be a good time to schedule baptisms."

God is for life not just for Christmas.

"Hey Frank, any plans for after church?"

"Collections were down. We had to get creative."

"Pastor Bob is the leader of the flock, son, not the herd."

'I didn't know the church sold an extended warrenty on marriage?'

"Since you're into burnt offerings you should come over some Sunday for one of her special dinners."

"Ever killed a man?"

'Walking your pet amoeba again, Henry?'

Friendly bacteria

Angry vicar wakes up parishioner at the Harvest Festival

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

"Attendance is down again this morning. If we want to continue calling ourselves a congregation, we're going to have to congregate."

'Nice show but you could use some cartoons.'

The 1st annual pet baptism was also the last

"The wages of sin are ... pretty damn attractive."

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

Just what is it that amoebas really want.

'Our worship space is quite large, Roger, but sanctuary committee will do nicely.'

"Instagram . . . weAPPon of mass distraction."

Out for lunch... GOD

"...and, for those parishioners who insist on a Eucharist made with all organic, locally-sourced ingredients, see Father Maguire at aisle three."

"And now, a few words about the feel-God factor"