Church Visit Gifts

'When you pray, does God have call waiting?'

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"Trust me Jesus, if you want to make a bigger impact work on being seeker friendly."

Bless me father, for I have sinned...my brother did it.'

Early Piety

He avoids wrath, envy, lust, greed, gluttony and sloth -- the problem is he's proud of it!

'You'll never believe this - they've found the actual body of Jesus!'

"We should start a church where we only read the parts of the bible that are never read in church."

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

Lady about the cross: 'Now that all of us have trusted Christ, this is our family tree.'

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

"Reverend, I recommend you turn the other cheek."

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"Are there any here today who feel this union is not in the best interests of baseball?"

Verger Works

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

How to spot the infrequent Mass attendees.

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

'Let us pray...'

"Call me 'pops' one more time and I'll lace 'ya one!"

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

We're willing to flee temptation, if we can leave a forwarding address.

Dance of the Red (Papal) Shoes.

7 can't-miss prayers to insure that your team wins.

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

How's my sermon. . .

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'