First Church Visit Gifts

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

Kid to pastor: 'Which office is heaven?'

"Trust me Jesus, if you want to make a bigger impact work on being seeker friendly."

Early Piety

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

7 can't-miss prayers to insure that your team wins.

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

"My child when you look at a flower,you see the face of god!"

"Are there any here today who feel this union is not in the best interests of baseball?"

"That's our new church mascot."

Verger Works

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

'Don't believe everything you read in the papers!' (Vicar to lady reading the war cry).

'Father James, I slept with Father Henry from next parish... Is that a sin?' - 'Of course!! You belong to my parish!'

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

'I'm just going to say my prayers. Any requests?'

"As a child of the pastor, did you stop and think that just because you can belch the books of the Bible, should you?"

"Today's sermon will be followed immediately by a rebuttal from the opposition."

God is for life not just for Christmas.

'When you pray, does God have call waiting?'

"Any other reason for your disappointment with God other than your team has never won a Superbowl?"

Finger puppets in church.

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"Oh nooo, we can't skip church. Why, we'll just sleep when we're dead!"

'Details of the summer fete can be found on our website. The address is on the notice board at the back of the church.'

"Since you're into burnt offerings you should come over some Sunday for one of her special dinners."

'Of course my fact-finding tour is legitimate. Can I help if if there are more facts in the Bahamas than Cleveland?'

"It's a cup holder."

"Pastor Bob is the leader of the flock, son, not the herd."

'I'm falling in love with Eddie... he has the most beautiful biggest organ ever!'

'Someday I'm going to tell you all of the things I've done right.'

'Fortunately, the Almighty is compassionate, kind, understanding, and hopefully tone deaf.'