Church Gifts

"Before I start today's sermon let's take 5 minutes to view the highlights reel from the last 3 Sundays..."

"I love the blockbusters of the summer confession season."

'You certainly got our attention, pastor.'

'Does 'Amen' mean 'Send'?'

'He only got this job because of who his dad is.'

"I've only got Bitcoins."

"Hello. I'm here to install the new pastor."

"Do I have one too?"

Harold stares at people he thinks the sermon is pertiment to.

"We learned about the 10 commandments, but I bet my parents will add a few of there own!"

"Faith cannot be bought. We do, however, offer an attractive leasing option."

"The Lord works in mysterious ways ??" except on Sundays, when I take over."

"My parents will come to church again if you switch to rose."

'Perhaps he's heard we're losing our churchwarden.'

God is for life not just for Christmas.

'Hello, I'm your new service provider'.

"Freshly ground pepper?"

'And then it happened. Halfway through your sermon, my insomnia was miraculously cured!'

Bored-again Christians.

'I understand the new usher is in the restaurant business.'

"Although the collection plate appears to be half full, our accountant assures me that it is half empty."

Choirmaster conducting, with one hand over a choirboy's mouth.

'You're in luck. The dog ate my sermon.'

First Church: Thy shalt not blog against thy neighbor.

"They always pass me these collection plates at church, so I started collecting them."

'Only way I can get people in on a Sunday.'

'Impressive! You went to church even on Super Bowl sundays.'

"Great deal or not, the new choir robes go back."

"Usually we wouldn't let you in the sanctuary dressed in robe and sandals, but seeing as you are Jesus we will make an exception..."

"Thank you. It wasn't too 'preachy', was it?"

'Mr. Crosgrove's hearing aid needs new batteries. And, hey, I see that I have everyone's undivided attention, too.'

Todays Sermon: 'Can our entitlements be saved?'

The Pet Parson

'Next time the pastor asks if you know what his sermon was about, the answer is not about three hours.'

"Thank you for the best Christmas ever. - Gracie"