Church Seating Gifts

"It's not that we consider ourselves holier than others just because we choose to sit in the front row."

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

Early Piety

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

Lady about the cross: 'Now that all of us have trusted Christ, this is our family tree.'

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

Waitress to church leader: 'It's your daily bread, Pastor. Remember? You ordered the prayer breakfast.'

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

Revival Meeting - Simultaneous translation of all talking in tongues.

"Are there any here today who feel this union is not in the best interests of baseball?"

Verger Works

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

7 can't-miss prayers to insure that your team wins.

'Dearly beloved.....and the rest of you.....'

'Don't believe everything you read in the papers!' (Vicar to lady reading the war cry).

Midwest Winter Items.

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

'Father James, I slept with Father Henry from next parish... Is that a sin?' - 'Of course!! You belong to my parish!'

"As a child of the pastor, did you stop and think that just because you can belch the books of the Bible, should you?"

"Today's sermon will be followed immediately by a rebuttal from the opposition."

'When you pray, does God have call waiting?'

"Any other reason for your disappointment with God other than your team has never won a Superbowl?"

"Thank you. It wasn't too 'preachy', was it?"

"I don't like the way the new pastor is looking at his flock."

"Oh nooo, we can't skip church. Why, we'll just sleep when we're dead!"

'I'm falling in love with Eddie... he has the most beautiful biggest organ ever!'

"It's a cup holder."

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"Dearly beloved, and others..."

Finger puppets in church.

Cosmetic Stone Mason.

'Of course my fact-finding tour is legitimate. Can I help if if there are more facts in the Bahamas than Cleveland?'