Church Day Gifts

"Today we studied Matthew, the first in a four-part series."

It soon became apparent that the vicar was an undercover journalist.

Priest's 'To do' list.

'Holy-Kanoly' makes his infamous 'Leap-of-Faith' jump.

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

"Trust me Jesus, if you want to make a bigger impact work on being seeker friendly."

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

"We should start a church where we only read the parts of the bible that are never read in church."

'You'll never believe this - they've found the actual body of Jesus!'

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

"You seem troubled, Pastor. Is anything worrying you...I mean aside from the sins of the world, the vanity of humankind, man's inhumanity to man..."

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

Lady about the cross: 'Now that all of us have trusted Christ, this is our family tree.'

Teaching a Sunday school class didn't end the way John imagined.

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

'... and bless all of God's creatures with the possible exception of the greenfly...'

'I've got two tickets to Handel's Messiah -- What time do you get off work?'

Waitress to church leader: 'It's your daily bread, Pastor. Remember? You ordered the prayer breakfast.'

Priest

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

"Reverend, I recommend you turn the other cheek."

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

Revival Meeting - Simultaneous translation of all talking in tongues.

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"You say I can move mountains? Right now,it's all I can do to turn over a new leaf!"

"I'm getting red fruits, earth tones, and oak. Amen."

'God's forgiveness of sins ... is that like a spiritual bailout program?'

'Let us pray...'

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

"That's our new church mascot."

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"