Church Anniversary Gifts

'And now, concerning the special collection...'

"Since we now have a leaking roof problem, it might be a good time to schedule baptisms."

Preaching to the inverted.

"Sorry, I'm John the Lutheran. The guy you want lives out in the wilderness."

"You say I can move mountains? Right now,it's all I can do to turn over a new leaf!"

"...and Lord, we thank You for blessing Farmer Finkel with an abundant bean harvest...and thus our new pews."

"What do you mean the message wasn't directed at me, the Pastor said my full name three times!"

Casual Sunday

'I know you haven't seen me.. your last sermon was so good, it lasted me an entire year!'

'On the other hand, you must never, ever work in mysterious ways.'

"That was a long three hours! I didn't know you had an extended service plan."

Sermon Applause.

Holy Water and Ice Blocks

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

"Sorry, but the Wi-Fi password is for tithing church members only."

"Can you read the part about Job again?"

Church Parking Space Reserved For Sinner Of The Week

"The long prayer peek."

...As we know, Jesus was a carpenter... but I don't think he actually sang on any of their records..."

"Attendance is down again this morning. If we want to continue calling ourselves a congregation, we're going to have to congregate."

"An 'eight' for technical merit, Pastor, but only a 'five' for originality."

"We're in deep trouble... there are some people quoting back to us what we taught them."

"I mistakenly stood in the doorway when kids sunday school released."

'Our worship space is quite large, Roger, but sanctuary committee will do nicely.'

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

'Today's sex text is the song of Solomon.'

"These choir robes are so hot, I'm glad I went commando."

"We learned in Sunday School about how Cain whacked Abel."

"Sword drills just aren't the same since Bible apps."

'... and bless all of God's creatures with the possible exception of the greenfly...'

"I know it's a really big church, but Goliath was the bad one."

Vicar - Virtuous Reality

'How can you be so cheap?'

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."