Anniversary Gifts

"You slept with her, didn't you?"

"You are my blue beach glass."

"I'm sorry, dear. I wasn't listening. Could you repeat what you've said since we've been married?"

"It's Eden. You don't have to keep checking for ticks."

"It'll never work—you're a moviegoer and I'm a film buff."

"I'm sorry darling, did I just say, 'I hate you with every micro-fiber of my being'?"

"I tried working at home, but my wife didn't like me performing colonoscopies in the dining room."

"That's an old photo."

The Crossroads of Wisdom: Past Mistakes, Future Gambles and Listen to Your Wife.

"As a matter of fact, you did catch us at a bad time."

"Think it can last 20 seconds this time?"

"Now that the kids are grown and gone, I thought it might be a good time for us to have sex."

"I've decided to purge our material goods, starting with your crap."

"I take it you didn't like my meatballs."

"I've never forgiven him for that thing I made up in my head."

'They want your underwear.'

"You may now begin your insane experiment."

"Of course I love you more than cheese. What a silly question. In fact, cheese and I are just friends. Nothing's going on between cheese and me."

"I love your body - where did you get it?"

Dating in Oz

Frankenstein's Reading Light

'You're afraid of commitment, aren't you?'

'Well I'm sorry Michael, but size does matter to me.'

"It's Lida Bascom's husband - he's frightfully unhappy."

"Shouldn't he be lying at the foot of the bed?"

'Of course I care for you. You're the most expensive woman in my life.'

"Good news, honey - seventy is the new fifty."

"We can't agree on a size."

"Let me guess – you stayed late at your buddy's place helping him with a, quoth, poem."

"Aren't you glad we stayed in? I had time to order us some more sweatpants."

"'In vino veritas?' You can't handle the veritas!"

"I am not being ridiculous! Have you seen our electricity bills?"

The Map of the Human Heart

Somewhere in America... the day after "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" came to an end.

"Could I get a single perfect olive branch?"