Anniversary Gifts

"You slept with her, didn't you?"

"You are my blue beach glass."

"I'm sorry, dear. I wasn't listening. Could you repeat what you've said since we've been married?"

"It's Eden. You don't have to keep checking for ticks."

"It'll never work—you're a moviegoer and I'm a film buff."

"I'm sorry darling, did I just say, 'I hate you with every micro-fiber of my being'?"

"I tried working at home, but my wife didn't like me performing colonoscopies in the dining room."

"That's an old photo."

The Crossroads of Wisdom: Past Mistakes, Future Gambles and Listen to Your Wife.

"As a matter of fact, you did catch us at a bad time."

"Think it can last 20 seconds this time?"

"Now that the kids are grown and gone, I thought it might be a good time for us to have sex."

"I've decided to purge our material goods, starting with your crap."

"I've never forgiven him for that thing I made up in my head."

"I take it you didn't like my meatballs."

"You may now begin your insane experiment."

Dating in Oz

"I love your body - where did you get it?"

"Of course I love you more than cheese. What a silly question. In fact, cheese and I are just friends. Nothing's going on between cheese and me."

Frankenstein's Reading Light

'You're afraid of commitment, aren't you?'

"It's Lida Bascom's husband - he's frightfully unhappy."

"Shouldn't he be lying at the foot of the bed?"

"Good news, honey - seventy is the new fifty."

'Of course I care for you. You're the most expensive woman in my life.'

"'In vino veritas?' You can't handle the veritas!"

The Map of the Human Heart

"We can't agree on a size."

"Aren't you glad we stayed in? I had time to order us some more sweatpants."

"Let me guess – you stayed late at your buddy's place helping him with a, quoth, poem."

"I am not being ridiculous! Have you seen our electricity bills?"

"Perhaps, someday, we can share the same table."

"Now that we've fallen in love, I have a confession. I'm not a giraffe—I'm fifty-eight weasels in a trenchcoat."

"This is your final wish. Are you sure you want another roll of toilet paper?"

"I can remember when having a '212' phone number still meant something in this world."