Church Commentator Gifts

Cardinal Marx offers his resignation

Papa Ratzi

"An 'eight' for technical merit, Pastor, but only a 'five' for originality."

No, you idiots, they don't include a "comments" section.

"And the winner is… Dan the Man by a nose!"

"You seem troubled, Pastor. Is anything worrying you...I mean aside from the sins of the world, the vanity of humankind, man's inhumanity to man..."

"‘Click’, you have reached the White House, press 1 for shameless groveling, 2 for presidential pardons, and please have your credit card details ready..."

'Cartoonist thinking'

"We missed you at church Sunday."

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

"The whole neighborhood has an opinion on who the next pope should be."

"But the good news is Trump has broken off diplomatic relations with them only on Twitter..."

'He hasn't played a game yet, but there are people who have started whinging about him already.'

"It would be great if you could turn the smoke machine down a little during worship..."

Sports Radio in Crisis

'On the other hand, you must never, ever work in mysterious ways.'

"Lord, save my ass from this Russia debacle, please!"

Sir Patrick Moore.

The National Institute for Advanced Talk-Show Punditry.

Carl Shurz's attacks on President Grant are 'Played Out'

Tree of Public Opinion.

"We've now got a higher approval rating than the media."

And now, for a rebuttal.

'Oh man, he just nailed that triple entendre... that all but guarantees him a medal.'

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

"Actually, we will replace you."

Chess on TV

How's my Sermon . . .

"Pastor, since you refuse to respond to my emails I decided to print off a list of all my objections to your messages."

"A real old fashioned fire and brimstone message today Preacher."

The United States of Amazement

"As you can see here - slow the tape, guys - these sparks are coming awfully close to the truck's gas tank, an explosive situation indeed..." Every high speed chase needs a color man.

"It was a little preachy."

"This is gonna be great!"

"If PBS announcers did football games." "Let's listen carefully to the quarterback as he scans his options. It appears that the defense seems to want to deter his team from moving the ball forward..." "The fans are making so much noise. I wonder if they know how hard that makes it for the players to concentrate?"