Church Chatter Gifts

'I really can't think of a blessed thing to preach about this morning, so I'll entertain questions from the floor.'

'I'm a practicing Catholic...but I really don't have a problem with the government's position on insurance and birth control.'

'You'll love the congregation. We're chock-full of sermon material.'

'On the other hand, you must never, ever work in mysterious ways.'

"I'm a pastor. My job is to speak 20 minutes on Sunday and listen the rest of the week."

"Now, now - If you can't say something nice about a parson, don't say anything at all."

"I haven't confirmed it personally, but I hear the Lutherans have the best coffee."

"I hear Presbyterian is the new Methodist."

"Would you like the 'gossip' or 'non-gossip' section?"

"Gripe, gripe, gripe, gripe...

Building for sale: Yes - it has been de-consecrated.

"I don't see why divine intervention and government intervention have to be mutually exclusive."

"Bob, you've been warned before. You can't come to prayer just to gather gossip material."

"We missed you at church Sunday."

"So ... is the Pope Catholic?"

"You seem troubled, Pastor. Is anything worrying you...I mean aside from the sins of the world, the vanity of humankind, man's inhumanity to man..."

'Put the kettle on, Doreen.'

REPENT, 'Hey! -- Go find your own corner!'

'Sorry - I've got strong views on Sunday Trading!'

'Gee, you'd think all that tithing would count for something.'

'I'm a little worried about the dedication to His Satanic Majesty, Bishop.'

"Hold on there buddy, that's not a KJV Bible." (two men talking, one with a Bible)

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

'... and bless all of God's creatures with the possible exception of the greenfly...'

'Haven't seen you in church lately John?'

"Are you sure it's okay for cardinals to live at a Protestant church?"

"Hello Mr. Wibley. I haven't seen you in church lately!"

'That ISN'T the way to keep the Mass to an hour.'

'Perhaps he's heard we're losing our churchwarden.'

'Next time the pastor asks if you know what his sermon was about, the answer is not about three hours.'

Sermon - why our religion is really better than yours.

'Golly, is it that time already?'

'If the Lord had wanted us to use the metric system, there would have been ten apostles!'

Excommunicate Me.