Church Authority Gifts

REPENT, 'Hey! -- Go find your own corner!'

Trial by Media

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

"Trust me Jesus, if you want to make a bigger impact work on being seeker friendly."

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

"You seem troubled, Pastor. Is anything worrying you...I mean aside from the sins of the world, the vanity of humankind, man's inhumanity to man..."

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

'You'll never believe this - they've found the actual body of Jesus!'

"We should start a church where we only read the parts of the bible that are never read in church."

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

Lady about the cross: 'Now that all of us have trusted Christ, this is our family tree.'

Two Men Discuss Ministers.

"Reverend, I recommend you turn the other cheek."

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

"Freshly ground pepper?"

'God's forgiveness of sins ... is that like a spiritual bailout program?'

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

"That's our new church mascot."

'Let us pray...'

Dance of the Red (Papal) Shoes.

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

"Call me 'pops' one more time and I'll lace 'ya one!"

Bible Bloopers

"Are there any here today who feel this union is not in the best interests of baseball?"

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

Michelangelo is painting the Sistine Chapel ceiling and a priest comes to check how he's going - 'Michelangelo, what the hell is that? I just wanted a couple of coats of duck-egg blue!'

'..Then people will say, 'Why can't dogs get married?'.. And then, 'Why can't cats and dogs marry?'..'

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'It's not as picturesque as the old steeple but it's saving a fortune in electricity bills!'

'Don't believe everything you read in the papers!' (Vicar to lady reading the war cry).