Church Authority Gifts

REPENT, 'Hey! -- Go find your own corner!'

Trial by Media

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

"Trust me Jesus, if you want to make a bigger impact work on being seeker friendly."

Bless me father, for I have sinned...my brother did it.'

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

"You seem troubled, Pastor. Is anything worrying you...I mean aside from the sins of the world, the vanity of humankind, man's inhumanity to man..."

"We should start a church where we only read the parts of the bible that are never read in church."

He avoids wrath, envy, lust, greed, gluttony and sloth -- the problem is he's proud of it!

'You'll never believe this - they've found the actual body of Jesus!'

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

Lady about the cross: 'Now that all of us have trusted Christ, this is our family tree.'

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

Two Men Discuss Ministers.

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

"Reverend, I recommend you turn the other cheek."

"Freshly ground pepper?"

'God's forgiveness of sins ... is that like a spiritual bailout program?'

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

"That's our new church mascot."

"Are there any here today who feel this union is not in the best interests of baseball?"

"Call me 'pops' one more time and I'll lace 'ya one!"

'Let us pray...'

Dance of the Red (Papal) Shoes.

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

We're willing to flee temptation, if we can leave a forwarding address.

Bible Bloopers

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

Michelangelo is painting the Sistine Chapel ceiling and a priest comes to check how he's going - 'Michelangelo, what the hell is that? I just wanted a couple of coats of duck-egg blue!'

'..Then people will say, 'Why can't dogs get married?'.. And then, 'Why can't cats and dogs marry?'..'

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'Sorry mate. Your church doesn't meet the minimum building code.'