Chronicle Chucklers Gifts

"I don't know. I just don't think this 'bowling' thing will work."

Cafe investors: I'd like your support in acquiring the lemonade stand down the street. By cutting redundant labor, marketing and technology. I place our annual savings at $17 billion. The phone company investors bought it. Can monkey lick your head?

"Behold! I am God! I know all. Yet I'm constantly testing you even though I already know what you'll do. But I'll still punish you for the sins I planned for you to do. And you'll suffer in a fiery pit, tormented beyond imagining forever and ever and ever

'I'm sorry Timmy, but if I keep going for help, you'll never learn to take care of yourself,'

Darwin first tested his theory in a letter to a magazine ('Lookalike' letter points to similarity between man and ape.)

'He hasn't responded to training - he still insists on taking Alec to his slippers....'

"We've now got a higher approval rating than the media."

"When Butcher Bob gets back from lunch this one is getting a vasectomy."

Lady sees door sign next to ENT: 'Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes'.

'I'm referring you to a specialist who isn't as afraid to die as I am.'

'Ain't no lonelier life than being a free-range chicken boy.'

'I make certain all my clients are pessimists...they don't expect to win.'

Corona virus: "Wow, I seem to be getting lots of attention lately."

'I worked briefly in a Fine-China shop, but it didn't work out...'

The Big Four debate banking ethics

Kisses--Sniff Your A-hole.

'The hair plugs are that noticeable, huh?'

'I think cowboys are just plain lazy: Why else would you have to carry them all the time?'

"I was in purgatory only briefly and they've been sending me email newsletters ever since."

"Hey, this is a good bit- did I say that?"

'Step One...a pie chart is not dessert.'

"You've got to admit, he wears the 'that dog won't hunt' label with a lot of class!"

Rudolph unblocking a chimney

'I wish you'd stay focused Simpson!'

'Get with it, buddy -- that mile of highway you adopted has snow all over it!'

"Pandemic! That's a pretty name."

"Mom, are we vegetarians for ethical or religious reasons?"

'Bless you!'

"I keep getting into a flap."

'Time's up, chuckles.'

Yoga - moooooooo.

J-J-JOE'S B-B-BAR, 'Actually, Joe's done pretty well for a guy with a speech impediment.'

"He thinks you're playing fetch."

"I just talked to Grunzman on the phone when he called in sick...I fear he really has got something very, very highly contagious!"

"There's only one of them roaming around now. The others are in self-isolation."