Christmas Negotiator Pillows

Keep your answers short and in the form of a question.

'She flunked me, but I plea-bargained my way up to a C-plus!'

'But, Mom. Think of all the leftovers he can thankfully eliminate.'

"It's Dr. Sadie. Go ahead, caller." "Yeah, how come you haven't said 'Merry Christmas' yet?" "Oh, that’s because I was hoping to provoke everyone who’s upset about the so-called 'war on Christmas' to spend all their time on hold waiting to castigate me. That way, all the normal people who don’t think Christmas is just another chance to play the victim can open their gifts in peace." "You're welcome, America." "Why haven't you played 'Jingle Bells' yet?"

"Stock options won't do it. I'll also need a ball of yarn."

"Of course, I'm willing to negotiate. . ."

'Santa is the delivery man, I'm the CEO. Do you know what a CEO is, Lisa?'

'What if I promise not to look?'

'Dad, I don't need a two-thirds majority to over-ride your veto. I've got mom.'

Christmas tree exchange

"I'll trade you my cupcake for your head lice."

"I just called to say I love you, but come to think of it - can I borrow some money?"

"No screen time means more scream time."

"I'm looking for something that the recipient will be too embarrassed to regift."

"I learned that I'm more of a leaf pile jumper and less of a leaf pile raker."

'I'm afraid I can't do business with you, Miss Carstairs -- you're just too damned cute.'

Salesman in a Santa suit

"It's a note from teacher. She wants to trade the apple I gave her for my chocolate fudge brownie."

"I'm not eating candy before dinner. I'm skipping dinner."

"I was good. Why is Santa punishing me?"

"Wow! My calculations show that on Christmas night, Santa Claus will visit 1 house every .83 seconds!"

'They're still ticked off about losing the cost-of-living allowance.'

'Management says we've had it too good for too long. They're demanding concessions.'

Text Santa

'I'll trade you my topsoil for your apple.'

"It's only weeks to Christmas. We have him right where we want him."

"If you promise to be very careful, Mommy will let you carry the baguettes."

Why Santa might be a republican

'I flatly refuse to give him fringe benefits before dinner!'

M.D. I hope you brought more candy --- Your HMO just raised you co-pay.

'You've got toys, I've got triple fudge cookies - let's deal!'

'This is my lawyer to eye-witness your promises...'

'Dear Santa, I can explain...'

"Looks like you're out of options, big man. Sure, I'll guide your sleigh tonight. Here's my price. Cash. And, by the way, we're leaving this out of the song."

"Dear Santa, I was very good and my brother was very naughty. So you can just give me his presents this year."