Christmas Curator Gifts

"Ya know I'm seriously starting to get worried about you."

Paul Klee

'Sooner or later, someone at the party will hand you a sandwich and a glass of wine - then what?'

It's a call from Tate modern.

"I only like their bad albums – the good ones are too commercial."

Shoe addict.

'Projectile painting.'

Schools of Art - A Rough Guide.

Mr. Empirical With "Antarctica""Small is hostile. Rage contributes to shift away from literality. I'm off to True Value Hardware for some more self-reference tools."

Couple Sitting in Front of A Sunset.

A Snowman using a Pooper-Scooper to pick up his Dog's ice cube Doo Doo

"I love these old decorations!"

"I was going to call it 'Empty Plinth', but then I settled on 'Winter's Smile'...I wanted to capture the 'nothingness' of an 'absence of anything'..."

'Number two. That's the art that offended me.'

"You won't believe this but I haven't a thing to wear"

"The new house is almost ready!"

'It's not easy painting hummingbirds.'

Person carrying balloons and plants.

"Definitive." "Compelling." "Persuasive." "Upside down."

"That must be the artist over there."

The perfectionist.

'A bed just isn't the same without a person in it.'

'I don't know whether to put it in for the Turner Prize or go for the Poet Laureate.'

"He begged his wife and kids to join him in Tahiti, but he didn't mean a word of it, the bastard."

Caliologist

TV Interactive panto - Remote control buttons: Oh yes it is - Oh no it isn't.

Appointments and Disappointments

'Santa is the delivery man, I'm the CEO. Do you know what a CEO is, Lisa?'

Happy Hog - Manet

Sculptor's chippings

"Smoked salmon, sir?" "I prefer to eat it, thanks."

"I could do that."

"Wow! - An original Bacon!!"

Hat Boxes, in the Closet

"He's left out the staples"