Chinese Food Aficionado Gifts

'You are severely allergic to monosodium glutamate.'

'The sound advice fortune cookie' - 'Don't eat this cookie. It's deep fried.'

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

'Of course you're very dear to me - that meal just cost a fortune.'

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

'Only the years when the market was Bullish...'

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

'We don't 'skimp' on the pour, sir; we're just generous with the glass.'

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

"Which wine would you pair with the complimentary bread and butter?"

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

Periodic table for two. Chez LMN't

"Have you decided on what you'd like to have?"

"Waiter, there's a hare in my salad!"

'Do you want your zebra de la margola rare, medium or well done?'

"The wine has subtle hints of expensive pretension, but it's balanced nicely by the screw cap."

'I'm sorry, sir, but it's hats off for the Chef's Special!'

"Room for dessert, folks?"

"In our house the four major food groups are Bordeaux, Merlot, Chardonnay and Champagne."

"How's the salmon?"

'In case of fire, don't panic, pay your bill then run like hell.'

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

"I think we'll pass up the Château Mouton-Rothschild '34."

'George, you're supposed to be tasting the wine, not seeing what effect it has.'

"I know you've been waiting a long time, but the Pearls were here before you."

'I'm filling in for the sommelier. We have a fine shiraz today for only $39. It's 14.7 alcohol, a Class 1B flammable, so if I see you consume it near an open flame, I'll have to cite you.'

"This deserves an Instagram photo. Would you mind taking a picture of someone washing the dishes when I'm done?"

Man Trying to Uncork Champagne.

"...and the asparagus this evening is delightful. It's been simmering all day in the tears of the poor."

"....and hold the garlic."

"Can you recommend a wine that goes well with red meat, Zanex, and Lipitor?"

Man with a 'menu', woman with a 'womenu'.