Chimpanzees Gifts

'Honey, can you believe we share 99% of our DNA with chimps!?'

He's a terrible climber, but he's pretty good with tools.

A Vet's Fight with a Chimpanzee

'Here comes that fly-by-night.'

Pilot with champagne.

"Ok, let's get those knuckles up off the ground, arms way up high now, feet wide apart. . ."

Too much monkey business...

"Have you been throwing a lot of poop lately?"

'And though he died during the hunt, we can only assume that George L Jones would want this new species of butt-faced clown monkey to forever bear his name.'

'It's supposed to look and smell greasy.'

'Shakespeare's Hamlet word for word - and I who always thought it was a crazy joke.'

'Sir, it's those monkeys we sent into space in 1959... They're back!'

'Bernie, you're not gonna have anything disgusting to hurl at zoo visitors if you forget this.'

'This is not what I expected when you said we were going to help an endangered species...'

'Stop evolving and come in. Your dinner's ready.'

"Okay, who's the wise guy elf?"

"She's pretty smart. She already knows enough to spit out vegetables."

'I hear you're typing the complete wors of Shakespeare?'

Temporarily closed for resurfacing.

"Don't make us warn you again, monkey. Stay outa the curiosity racket."

'You know, I almost envy you sometimes.'

"Don't you love the smell of burning leather boots this time of year?"

"I don't feel so much endangered as I do under funded."

'That's what we evolved from.'

'We're doing so well together: What do you think of me becoming monogamous?'

My arms are tired, too – I'm starting to think this whole evil thing isn't temporary.

'Coffee, tea, or banana?'

'Not bad for a computer, but the chimpanzee's work had more feeling.'

"I'm here researching a role. I'm about to play a Senator."

Even you forgot my anniversary. Rudy Park, 20 years. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Really. Did everyone forget? Everyone! Not a card, not an email, not a singing telegram, not an instant message or tweet in Rudy's honor. Nothing telling us that this fine feature has: 1. Made America a better place, 2. Led to the dissolution of hatred and vice, 3. Had similar positive effects on you as a high-fiber diet. Uncle Mort, please don't get all mushy. I hate when my sweet little nephew is hurting. Come here a

'It was just here! Ugh...I bet it threw our dinner again.'

"Now we'll be able to understand political debates."

'I actually find my Ghillie Suit a better camouflage option than my stripes...'

'So...1% of our DNA says you're in a suit, while I'm sitting around with no clothes on piking stuff with sticks.'

'Chameleons?.. Yes, we do sell them, if you can find them.'