Child-safety Detectives Pillows

His first conspiracy theory...'Is it a coincidence the first time I walk, they start locking all the cupboards? I think not!'

"They grow up so fast."

'I don't want him experiencing anything until I've totally checked it out.'

Pool attached to child's bed.

"Honey, you're spoiling that child."

"Does knowing you're being watched on a baby monitor keep you out of mischief?"

A boy acting suspiciously

Child about to jump off ironing board into bath.

Child using building blocks to get over a baby gate.

"Have you met my bodyguard?"

'News headline: Britain unsafe to bring up young children.'

'At midnight, we go over the wall.'

Kangaroo: Baby on Board

'I need affordable daycare now!'

"What are you in for?"

Mobile phone damage to children.

"We know you boosted that milk truck!" "Admit it or we'll take a bite outta you!"

"Trust me, with me in charge, your kid will behave and be safe..."

Playing in the park....child on a leash.

'I read all the parenting books, but you always manage to stay one step ahead of me!'

"The Johnsons finally get around to child-proofing their home."

'He swallowed a warning label!'

"How did my mom know I went to get ice cream after school? She's either placed a tracking device on me, or she's tracking my phone."

'Well those stair gates were a complete waste of money'

"Why are you playing hide-and-seek in the stove!?! Don't shush me! This is my stove!"

La Tour 2007.

'Is your house baby-proofed?'

Code Red!

Health and Safety Gone Mad - "It doesn't look safe, his face is totally exposed to danger."

Gene doping in sport.

'They're a bit pricey, but on the other hand, I don't have to buy any baby gates.'

Don't Touch Its Burnies.

"Mom is an ER nurse."

'Oh, Sweetie, look, Daddy's fitting a new car seat for baby.'

"You lose! Those can't cut anything."