Child-safety Detectives T-Shirts

His first conspiracy theory...'Is it a coincidence the first time I walk, they start locking all the cupboards? I think not!'

"They grow up so fast."

'I don't want him experiencing anything until I've totally checked it out.'

Pool attached to child's bed.

"Honey, you're spoiling that child."

"Does knowing you're being watched on a baby monitor keep you out of mischief?"

A boy acting suspiciously

Child about to jump off ironing board into bath.

Child using building blocks to get over a baby gate.

"Have you met my bodyguard?"

'At midnight, we go over the wall.'

'News headline: Britain unsafe to bring up young children.'

"What are you in for?"

Kangaroo: Baby on Board

'I need affordable daycare now!'

'I read all the parenting books, but you always manage to stay one step ahead of me!'

Mobile phone damage to children.

"Trust me, with me in charge, your kid will behave and be safe..."

Playing in the park....child on a leash.

"We know you boosted that milk truck!" "Admit it or we'll take a bite outta you!"

"The Johnsons finally get around to child-proofing their home."

'He swallowed a warning label!'

La Tour 2007.

"Why are you playing hide-and-seek in the stove!?! Don't shush me! This is my stove!"

'Is your house baby-proofed?'

"How did my mom know I went to get ice cream after school? She's either placed a tracking device on me, or she's tracking my phone."

'Well those stair gates were a complete waste of money'

Code Red!

Health and Safety Gone Mad - "It doesn't look safe, his face is totally exposed to danger."

Gene doping in sport.

"Mom is an ER nurse."

Don't Touch Its Burnies.

'They're a bit pricey, but on the other hand, I don't have to buy any baby gates.'

'Oh, Sweetie, look, Daddy's fitting a new car seat for baby.'

"You lose! Those can't cut anything."