Cheapskate Chucklers Gifts

"Oh, that's my Uncle Walter. He wanted his head cryogenically frozen, but it was way too expensive!"

"We're never going to resolve this if you won't get your own sword."

Cafe investors: I'd like your support in acquiring the lemonade stand down the street. By cutting redundant labor, marketing and technology. I place our annual savings at $17 billion. The phone company investors bought it. Can monkey lick your head?

The contract was not worth the paper it was written on, which considering the paper was not a good sign.

Martin hated dining alone – but loved the savings.

"We could have a Do-It-Yourself wedding! Your friends could do the cake and flowers, Uncle Jim could do the photos..."

"Is that neat whisky?"

'Sharing the petrol costs didn't bother me, but I resent having to pay half for the condoms!'

'Drive-ins are so expensive...this is much better than a drive in.'

"Do you have something cheap but with a really expensive label?"

Sod orf, midges...

"Since when did they start putting perfume in aerosol cans?"

"For a little extra we could have got Giotto."

"Can I have another free biscuit for my dog?"

Fisherman buying fish on the way home...!

"I've made a fortune and never used my own money. Hey, can you spare a buck?"

'I warned you, Dr. Jekyll. It was a bad idea to give an additional credit card to Mr. Hyde.'

"You're thirty minutes late. Does that mean I get it for free?"

'Your House Wines seem rather pricey - d'you have any Bungalow Wines?'

Man tries to shake clinging dog off his leg. Dog says to another dog: 'I suppose you could say I'm a people person.'

"No luggage."

"'Less is more' doesn't apply to allowances!"

Thrift: Have a face-lift, and keep the old face.

'Time's up, chuckles.'

"Your total is $10.97 and this is only $6."

"Hello, Mari...we brought you some flowers. No, they're not real... I thought artificial ones would last longer."

Thrift: 'Collect a smaller child than your own from school... It eats less and fits the old clothes of the previous child.'

"What are we actually celebrating here tonight?"

"... Oh, he's the fastest in the west alright... The fastest out of the saloon when it's his round!"

"I'm maybe not the real Santa, but I'm the only Santa who would do it for the money your dad was willing to pay for the job!"

An idle lap is the devil's workbench.

'After you. So courteous, he always lets me in first, so I have to buy the first round.'

Seductive lines that just don't cut it.

'Okay, we'll meet six sharp, at the rail yard!'

'I dread holidays when we slash prices at the Dollar Store.'