Cheapskate Humor Gifts

"Since when did they start putting perfume in aerosol cans?"

"We're never going to resolve this if you won't get your own sword."

The contract was not worth the paper it was written on, which considering the paper was not a good sign.

Martin hated dining alone – but loved the savings.

"We could have a Do-It-Yourself wedding! Your friends could do the cake and flowers, Uncle Jim could do the photos..."

"Is that neat whisky?"

'Sharing the petrol costs didn't bother me, but I resent having to pay half for the condoms!'

'He's chasing the market.'

'Drive-ins are so expensive...this is much better than a drive in.'

"Do you have something cheap but with a really expensive label?"

Sod orf, midges...

Uptight Fishing...'we put the bait on for you'

'Hello Darling, I am on the bed with the window cleaner.'

"For a little extra we could have got Giotto."

"Can I have another free biscuit for my dog?"

"You're thirty minutes late. Does that mean I get it for free?"

"I've made a fortune and never used my own money. Hey, can you spare a buck?"

'Your House Wines seem rather pricey - d'you have any Bungalow Wines?'

"No luggage."

"'Less is more' doesn't apply to allowances!"

Thrift: Have a face-lift, and keep the old face.

"Hello, Mari...we brought you some flowers. No, they're not real... I thought artificial ones would last longer."

"What are we actually celebrating here tonight?"

Thrift: 'Collect a smaller child than your own from school... It eats less and fits the old clothes of the previous child.'

"... Oh, he's the fastest in the west alright... The fastest out of the saloon when it's his round!"

"I'm maybe not the real Santa, but I'm the only Santa who would do it for the money your dad was willing to pay for the job!"

"Turns out the training budget has been cut, so we'll continue doing things the stupid way for another year."

'After you. So courteous, he always lets me in first, so I have to buy the first round.'

'He says it's cheaper than hiring border guards.'

'Okay, we'll meet six sharp, at the rail yard!'

"It's a small town with a very small budget!"

Seductive lines that just don't cut it.

'I dread holidays when we slash prices at the Dollar Store.'

"Oh, that's my Uncle Walter. He wanted his head cryogenically frozen, but it was way too expensive!"

"I'm afraid we couldn't afford an artificial so we transplanted yours with a can of peaches."