Cheapskate Satirist Gifts

"We're never going to resolve this if you won't get your own sword."

Spot the difference.

The truth is, Congressman, we didn't know it was wrong to screw people.

"International best seller! It's just a squirrel."

'Agreed, 40 years is a long time to wander around, but think of the travel expenses.'

'Fyodor Dostoevsky sends weeks describing Alexy Karamazov's quest for a white whale, and then discards the entire chapter."

"The economy's been worsening for a while, but people still don't feel it, Rudy." "...Which means we still have time to get in on the despair action." "Despair action"? "We're going to expand our menu. Add more comfort foods, more 'sale' items, debt consolidation loans..." "Nobody's dumb enough to get a debt consolidation loan from some random guy." "Ha ha hoo hoo hee-"

Vinnie's Repossessions: A Turtle has just had his shell repossessed

Where Ignorance is Bliss.

'Bad news on Wall Street. The entire stock market has been downgraded to a 'junk' classification.'

Help! Have to pay back a big world bank loan.

Pirates at the mall.

"Thank you, and may the I.R.S. accept all your deductions."

'I think we're setting the bar too low.'

'The fourth quarter was no walk in the park. Especially for those who count on us to walk in the park.'

This government special reserve fund is like a cookie jar for crooked cronies!

'The bad news is that we're only in it for the money.'

"What would you suggest to fill the dark, empty spaces in my soul?"

What if retail stores behaved like websites?

"We bring him gifts of gold, frankincense and mercantile mutual hedge fund options."

The contract was not worth the paper it was written on, which considering the paper was not a good sign.

"We disagree with the president - we kinda like Robin Hood - we take from everyone and keep it - how much more successful can you get?"

'It's a demonstration by retired CEOs who refuse to give up their bonuses.'

William Makepeace Thackeray.

'The 'free market' economic theory is falling!'

Your son has a genetic inability to calculate. This forecasts for him a brilliant career in the Ministry of Finance.

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

Offshore tax havens.

'I used to be an accountant but I found it too depressing.'

'Cutting back to a single securities regulator is a good idea. After that, one more reduction and our troubles are over.'

Bank of Cyprus-sia

"Today the market closed at exactly the right price, and all buyers and sellers were very happy."

The court freezes my assets and wants me to live on $20K per month? They want me to starve!

'This charge is for the office visit, this charge is for blood work, and this charge just about pays off the doc's school loan.'

Another Rogue Trader