Ceremony Comedians Pillows

"Let me remind you you're both under oath."

'Now what?'

'After you text 'I do'... you may kiss the bride.'

"It's just a precaution, we've had a few close calls lately."

'Okay.. what the hell.'

Graduates on their phones

'He does.'

'They call it the people dance.'

"I should cover your ears.I'm not very good at this.'

"You may now kiss the... Oh, I see you have already done that!"

"Sinead?!"

'I'm sorry, but 'I'll see how I feel on the night' isn't really acceptable.'

Marriage Returns

"You're not supposed to throw tinned rice!"

"The couple will now exchange vows they wrote themselves, because I guess mine weren't good enough, but, whatever, let's see what you've got."

"In an effort to avoid controversy, and to accommodate our attention spans, we will be replacing the commencement speaker with fortune cookies."

"I now pronounce you guilty."

RETIREMENT VOWS

'If anyone here objects to the marriage of these two men, speak up now because opponents are aging and dying off and soon won't matter anymore...'

"My client doesn't have to answer that."

'No, the answer is: d ) All of the above.'

'Don't you have anything more recent? I've already read what you just confessed on your blog.'

"I couldn't find the giant scissors."

Before graduating, students at Flegburn High were required to read their diplomas out loud.

"It's boilerplate marriage vows with a pre-nup rider. Just hit the 'agree' button."

'I'm entitled to one phone call!'

"No, of course I don't want you to catch a nasty cold but..."

'Hold everything! -- My left brain just kicked in!'

'-not too early,are we?'

"I hired out a double for this bit."

'I tried letting it all hang out, and somebody stepped on it.'

'Last chance, Fred - do you really want to do this?'

'Ar ... to be sore, to be sore.' - Post St Patrick's Day.

'She's just ring through - held up at the hairdressers.'

"I thought he was about to be knighted, too, didn't you?"