Ceremony Comedians Pillows

"Let me remind you you're both under oath."

'Now what?'

'After you text 'I do'... you may kiss the bride.'

"It's just a precaution, we've had a few close calls lately."

'Okay.. what the hell.'

'He does.'

"I should cover your ears.I'm not very good at this.'

"Sinead?!"

"You may now kiss the... Oh, I see you have already done that!"

"You're not supposed to throw tinned rice!"

Marriage Returns

'I'm sorry, but 'I'll see how I feel on the night' isn't really acceptable.'

"The couple will now exchange vows they wrote themselves, because I guess mine weren't good enough, but, whatever, let's see what you've got."

"In an effort to avoid controversy, and to accommodate our attention spans, we will be replacing the commencement speaker with fortune cookies."

'No, the answer is: d ) All of the above.'

"My client doesn't have to answer that."

'If anyone here objects to the marriage of these two men, speak up now because opponents are aging and dying off and soon won't matter anymore...'

RETIREMENT VOWS

"I now pronounce you guilty."

'Don't you have anything more recent? I've already read what you just confessed on your blog.'

"I couldn't find the giant scissors."

'I'm entitled to one phone call!'

"It's boilerplate marriage vows with a pre-nup rider. Just hit the 'agree' button."

"No, of course I don't want you to catch a nasty cold but..."

'She's just ring through - held up at the hairdressers.'

'Hold everything! -- My left brain just kicked in!'

'-not too early,are we?'

"I hired out a double for this bit."

'Ar ... to be sore, to be sore.' - Post St Patrick's Day.

'I tried letting it all hang out, and somebody stepped on it.'

'Last chance, Fred - do you really want to do this?'

"I thought he was about to be knighted, too, didn't you?"

Bugler's Beer

'You may kiss the bride, but no tongue.'

Watermelon Cult