Celestial Punner Gifts

"We use the proceeds to help offset the cost of your eternal salvation."

"And for my next trick. . . turning wine back into water."

You too?! I go around feeling half asleep all the time also!

"Nope, I still only have one bar."

"All we have left is standing room only."

'Will I live Doctor?' 'Yes, but I don't advise it!'

STRIP God' s dog urinating on planet Earth

Water is discovered on the moon....

We're willing to flee temptation, if we can leave a forwarding address.

'In the alternate universe I've come up with, everything would be exactly the same except cats would bark.'

"We'll just have the loaves and fishes. . ."

"Why do parishioners only eat half their donuts???" "Partial indulgence."

'That's GRAVEN images, not GRAVY images.'

"Hello. I'm here to install the new pastor."

Paradise FC: The Blessed Y The Rest.

Uranus always gets a bad rap. Tap tap tap tap tap. What do you mean, dorkboy? I mean, no matter how mature people think they are, they always, always want to chuckle when they say "Uranus." Come on, Sadie. You know you want to smirk, even if it's in secret. What if I told you Uranus is slightly bigger than Neptune? Not chuckling! Uranus is always the butt of the joke.

'I'll have a Martini, Jack. Extra dry.'

'Your North Pole is wobbling - you should see a spin doctor.'

"Well. . . the cost of living was getting too high, so. . ."

'Mom, am I my brother's peeper?'

"It's obvious Jesus accepts everyone. His disciples were fishermen, and we know what kind of lies we tell."

"Look...the Pope's not stoppin' by for a little chit chat! He's here to admonish you and revoke your powers in the name of God!"

Optometrist practical jokes

The Dark Side of the Moon.

"No thanks. I'm not interested in being the, 'official prophet of the NFL.'"

'Remember this test, Ms. Hart? Nineteen ninety. Multiple choice. You asked which of these is not a planet, and I checked Pluto...'

"My eyes feel heavy. Does that mean I'm taking in too much eye candy?"

"The planet appears to be inhabitable but more like low-income inhabitable."

He's very defensive about his personal space.

I have a higher escape velocity than you! It has nothing to do with being clingy!

'Your prayer is important to us. Please stay on your knees for the next available God.'

"Her Taurus was in opposition to my Libra."

I must not poop on freshly washed cars!

'Mars is known as the 'red planet'? Does it have debt problem like ours?'

"You've already been downgraded once, Pluto. Give me one good reason you should be reinstated."