Celebrity Book Critic's Choice Gifts

'Books by celebrities.'

Ed Flanders, Deconstruction Worker

'Look! The new long awaited, highly anticipated but ultimately disappointing novel by that guy you like.'

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

"I like his earlier work better, particularly the ones I said I didn't like at the time."

'No. . . I'll never spend £400 on a haircut. . .'

"Moby Richard by Herman Melville" "Wonderful! Not sure about the title—let's discuss editor."

'For the actress who benefitted most by rehab...'

"Be careful of that sun, Stewart. You're starting to look like the front page of the 'Times Book Review.'"

'Right so lets be clear, when you said my book was a turgid reworking of a sad collection of hackneyed ideas you actually meant that it was a groundbreaking work of originality and genius...'

"Fancy dyeing your hair white so everyone could see it was you who played a shocker!"

'I know I don't look like a matinee idol of yesteryear anymore, but neither do they!'

'Mummy, the review of this book was more interesting.'

Nick Cave

"It's a great story, funny and entertaining - and better still it's not won a single prize for literature."

Snow White and her Seven people.

"I was at a party with SO many famous people, I was the only one there I'd never heard of..!"

'The end. Well, time for bed. What are you writing?'

'I preferred her in the margarine commercial.'

"Let's go on vacation, get disappointed, complain about prices, read terrible novels, buy trashy souvenirs, miss the dog and look forward to coming home."

"I feel bad about Nora Ephron's neck."

Band Aid-style rock stars wear T-shirts that read : 'Feed my ego'.

"First, we tell everybody that you're in rehab. I'll take it from there."

Chihuahua's nightmare: 'There's a sneering voice talking to me: 'You'll get stuffed between a blonde celebrity's breasts till you can't breathe anymore!' Then I wake up bathed in sweat...'

The Pooperrazzi

"What I really want to do is chew up children’s books."

"Well, now we know what Letterman's doing, what are we doing?"

"I finally got my wife to read my manuscript. She said the main character was a sleazebag devoid of a moral compass. It's an autobiography."

'He may be the Messiah, but he's no Springsteen.'

"A P.R. Intern Named Salome with the Head Shot of John the Client."

"With one hand I'm reading the past decade's most critically acclaimed novel. With my other hand I'm searching for enough negative reviews to justify my decision to abandon it."

W.C. Fields

Fired Big Shots Who's Who.

"Would you like something by an over promoted high-price athlete or a nobody from Jersey?"

'Read any good book reviews lately?'