Celebrity Book Critic's Choice Gifts

'Books by celebrities.'

Ed Flanders, Deconstruction Worker

'Look! The new long awaited, highly anticipated but ultimately disappointing novel by that guy you like.'

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

"I like his earlier work better, particularly the ones I said I didn't like at the time."

'For the actress who benefitted most by rehab...'

"Moby Richard by Herman Melville" "Wonderful! Not sure about the title—let's discuss editor."

"Be careful of that sun, Stewart. You're starting to look like the front page of the 'Times Book Review.'"

'Right so lets be clear, when you said my book was a turgid reworking of a sad collection of hackneyed ideas you actually meant that it was a groundbreaking work of originality and genius...'

'I know I don't look like a matinee idol of yesteryear anymore, but neither do they!'

"Fancy dyeing your hair white so everyone could see it was you who played a shocker!"

'Mummy, the review of this book was more interesting.'

"It's a great story, funny and entertaining - and better still it's not won a single prize for literature."

Snow White and her Seven people.

"I was at a party with SO many famous people, I was the only one there I'd never heard of..!"

"Let's go on vacation, get disappointed, complain about prices, read terrible novels, buy trashy souvenirs, miss the dog and look forward to coming home."

'I preferred her in the margarine commercial.'

"I feel bad about Nora Ephron's neck."

"First, we tell everybody that you're in rehab. I'll take it from there."

Band Aid-style rock stars wear T-shirts that read : 'Feed my ego'.

The Pooperrazzi

"Would you like something by an over promoted high-price athlete or a nobody from Jersey?"

"I finally got my wife to read my manuscript. She said the main character was a sleazebag devoid of a moral compass. It's an autobiography."

"Well, now we know what Letterman's doing, what are we doing?"

Fired Big Shots Who's Who.

Chihuahua's nightmare: 'There's a sneering voice talking to me: 'You'll get stuffed between a blonde celebrity's breasts till you can't breathe anymore!' Then I wake up bathed in sweat...'

"A P.R. Intern Named Salome with the Head Shot of John the Client."

"With one hand I'm reading the past decade's most critically acclaimed novel. With my other hand I'm searching for enough negative reviews to justify my decision to abandon it."

"What I really want to do is chew up children’s books."

'Read any good book reviews lately?'

"Take away his brilliant prose, and he's just some depressed guy."