Catalog Critic Gifts

Pre-Winter Ennui-'Hon, did you have the furnace checked?'

Ed Flanders, Deconstruction Worker

The Dorrie Decimal System

'Look! The new long awaited, highly anticipated but ultimately disappointing novel by that guy you like.'

"I like his earlier work better, particularly the ones I said I didn't like at the time."

"Moby Richard by Herman Melville" "Wonderful! Not sure about the title—let's discuss editor."

'Too pricey? Perhaps you wish to see something in macaroni and spray paint?'

"Be careful of that sun, Stewart. You're starting to look like the front page of the 'Times Book Review.'"

'Right so lets be clear, when you said my book was a turgid reworking of a sad collection of hackneyed ideas you actually meant that it was a groundbreaking work of originality and genius...'

"This is a big seller, and we get them cheap...from China."

'Six years ago you received a complimentary set of steak knives. You thought they were free didn't you Jimmy?...'

"It's a great story, funny and entertaining - and better still it's not won a single prize for literature."

"These targeted ads are getting out of hand."

Pizza Special: 5 Pizzas for $50 (Limit 4).

'The end. Well, time for bed. What are you writing?'

"I feel bad about Nora Ephron's neck."

'How long have you had this obsessive hatred of cats?'

Rejected Spider-man lunchbox ideas

"Gap... Tony Soprano fit"

"With one hand I'm reading the past decade's most critically acclaimed novel. With my other hand I'm searching for enough negative reviews to justify my decision to abandon it."

Stu just wanted to participate in the outdoor art class. . . alone. . . but Bob went ahead and invited himself anyway. . .

'What have you got in the way of an imported red that has a label that doesn't look like my cat drew it?'

'Read any good book reviews lately?'

"Take away his brilliant prose, and he's just some depressed guy."

"Dumb it down or sex it up."

Collected Works of F. Scott Fitzgerald. Listen to this ... In "the Last Tycoon" F. Scott Fitzgerald observed that there are no second acts in American lives. In my case, either he was right about that or this is a very long intermission!

'I've got one of those wobbly forwards trolleys!'

"And remember the rule: when the carpet is old, that's when we hold, when the carpet is new, that's when we spew!"

"Your husband is critical."

"Believe me, there are no critics under your bed."

'I hate these literary parties. All everyone does is sit around and complain about their publishers. Take mine for instance ...'

'It was better than the book.'

'What terrible pre-Christmas gift catalogue have you got hold of now?'

"I was a best seller! I sold millions of copies! Now look at me, a glorified coaster."

"Does this book come with directors commentary?"