Cat Owner Humorist Pillows

'The people downstairs have been complaining that we're too noisy, so the landlord wants us to wear these from now on.'

'Tell you what. Let's corner a cat and play 'good dog - bad dog'.'

"Nancy, could you schedule in some time for me to wildly run around my office for no reason?"

Cat Reunion

"If he tries to dip, Mrs. Callister, you mustn't hesitate to use the choke chain."

"The painting and pillows were his idea. The scratches were mine."

"I only scratch up the furniture hoping they'll replace it with something more stylish."

Cat holds sign which says - Will purr for food.

"Projectile hairballing."

'Waiter, there's a hairball in my soup, too.'

"I now what you've come to expect from me is physical comedy, but tonight I thought we'd try something a little different."

"There HAS to be a giant ball at the end of all this string."

"But some of my best ideas come while I'm in the litter box."

"I hate it..."

Cat laughs at 'Ameowsing Cat Jokes.'

'Oh, this will be good! He just putted into a sand trap...our litter box.'

Litter Tray Stonehenge

'I'm a lap cat. So, naturally I prefer a laptop.'

Litter Box Logistics Ltd.

'Yeah, I'm a mouser.'

"You will meet a tall, mysterious stranger — you will rub fur on his pant leg."

"What SPF sunscreen do you suggest for lying around in a sunny spot?"

'I'd like the tongue, please.'

Uses of a Dead Cat in History: The Pied Piper

"GPS? In case we get lost? Why would we need that? We're microchipped."

"Ever wonder where all those cat videos come from?"

"Bad Dog!!! You can't trust those chocolate labs."

'Who did you have lick your hair?'

The Curiosity Mars rover is seen killing a cat: 'Mission accomplished.'

"He says he can quit anytime, but I'm starting to worry."

'The butler did it.'

"Each of my previous books had nine editions."

Cat on a psychiatrist's couch: 'Truth is, I'm not really a cat person.'

Man asks haughty looking cat: "And how, exactly, do you qualify as a spokesman for the feline community?"

Uses of a Dead Cat in History: Dead Cat Balloon