Carpentry Comedians Gifts

'My client stands before you, a jury of his whittling peers ...'

Jack of all trades

"I know this is not a proper job for a PhD, Mom, but I have student loans to repay."

"Measure twice, cut once...and curse three times!"

This will be an environmentally sound house built entirely from trees that fell over naturally from old age.

'You've reached McWit Quality Construction. If your foundation has cracked, press 1, if your plumbing is leaking press 2, if your house is collapsing, press 3 ...'

Do it yourself books.

'I don't know what he gets up to in there, but it keeps him busy.' (Noises are recorded, man reads paper, has beer.)

"I call it 'rage loaf'."

Don't let the woodcutters get too close or they'll make a fuel out of you!

'MY husband made the coffee table out of an old door.'

'I suppose you want Polly to forget she heard that.'

'Where do I put the batteries?'

Aqua Filter (frog jumping out).

'Sure you won 'Contractor of the Decade' five times, McWit, but what have you done lately?'

Li'l Bill meets destiny.

D.I.Y

"What we're looking for is someone who think outside the box?"

Guide to Carpentry Fish

"So, how did the audition go?" "Great! I really nailed it."

'Masonry robot, what are you doing?'

Family working together

Hammer and chisel discussing what they've been doing, chisel says; 'Oh you know, getting into a few scrapes.'

Whittler's Mother.

'The upside is that if the water gets high enough all your termites might drown.'

Lumber Yard. Luxury Homes! Some Assembly Required.

'My building inspector just doesn't understand me.'

'Now there's a real pro! He can even nail while power napping.'

Dave cut costs and now realizes that in order to pass inspection, he may have to arrange a marriage between his daughter and the building inspector's son.

"Nice touch." - Resume playing music.

'I need a hive with 50,000 bedrooms.'

You're right, it's the house next door that gets the new window.

'Okay, Noah...I'm going to tell you again. Listen very carefully this time.'

"What do I do - I'm a mouse pilot, like everybody else."

'Uh oh. I can see another few hundred will be added to your bid.'