Carpentry Comedic Enthusiast Gifts

'No, It's still crocked. Move the right up a tiny bit...'

Jack of all trades

"Measure twice, cut once...and curse three times!"

This will be an environmentally sound house built entirely from trees that fell over naturally from old age.

'You've reached McWit Quality Construction. If your foundation has cracked, press 1, if your plumbing is leaking press 2, if your house is collapsing, press 3 ...'

'I don't know what he gets up to in there, but it keeps him busy.' (Noises are recorded, man reads paper, has beer.)

Do it yourself books.

'MY husband made the coffee table out of an old door.'

'I suppose you want Polly to forget she heard that.'

'Sure you won 'Contractor of the Decade' five times, McWit, but what have you done lately?'

'Where do I put the batteries?'

Li'l Bill meets destiny.

D.I.Y

"So, how did the audition go?" "Great! I really nailed it."

Guide to Carpentry Fish

Hammer and chisel discussing what they've been doing, chisel says; 'Oh you know, getting into a few scrapes.'

'The upside is that if the water gets high enough all your termites might drown.'

Whittler's Mother.

'Now there's a real pro! He can even nail while power napping.'

'My building inspector just doesn't understand me.'

Dave cut costs and now realizes that in order to pass inspection, he may have to arrange a marriage between his daughter and the building inspector's son.

'I need a hive with 50,000 bedrooms.'

You're right, it's the house next door that gets the new window.

'Oh no. Another major code violation decision.'

'Uh oh. I can see another few hundred will be added to your bid.'

A classic case of 'Cow-Worm'.

'Still having problems finding day care?'

'I can count on one hand the number of contracts that I didn't finish on time.'

'We're waiting for an estimate that doesn't make him do that.'

"I'm the ghost of woodshop past."

'Another nice wave.'

'Hello, Robinson Crusoe here, I'd like my kitchen finished by Friday.'