Carpentry Comedic Enthusiast Gifts

'No, It's still crocked. Move the right up a tiny bit...'

Jack of all trades

"Measure twice, cut once...and curse three times!"

This will be an environmentally sound house built entirely from trees that fell over naturally from old age.

'I don't know what he gets up to in there, but it keeps him busy.' (Noises are recorded, man reads paper, has beer.)

Do it yourself books.

'You've reached McWit Quality Construction. If your foundation has cracked, press 1, if your plumbing is leaking press 2, if your house is collapsing, press 3 ...'

Don't let the woodcutters get too close or they'll make a fuel out of you!

'MY husband made the coffee table out of an old door.'

'I suppose you want Polly to forget she heard that.'

'Sure you won 'Contractor of the Decade' five times, McWit, but what have you done lately?'

'Where do I put the batteries?'

"We could have been here sooner, but we wanted to wait until the beautiful Yellow Brick Road was built."

Li'l Bill meets destiny.

D.I.Y

Guide to Carpentry Fish

"So, how did the audition go?" "Great! I really nailed it."

Hammer and chisel discussing what they've been doing, chisel says; 'Oh you know, getting into a few scrapes.'

Whittler's Mother.

'The upside is that if the water gets high enough all your termites might drown.'

'My building inspector just doesn't understand me.'

'Now there's a real pro! He can even nail while power napping.'

Dave cut costs and now realizes that in order to pass inspection, he may have to arrange a marriage between his daughter and the building inspector's son.

'I need a hive with 50,000 bedrooms.'

'Okay, Noah...I'm going to tell you again. Listen very carefully this time.'

You're right, it's the house next door that gets the new window.

'Uh oh. I can see another few hundred will be added to your bid.'

'Oh no. Another major code violation decision.'

A classic case of 'Cow-Worm'.

"I'm the ghost of woodshop past."

'Still having problems finding day care?'

'Another nice wave.'

'We're waiting for an estimate that doesn't make him do that.'

Hardware. You're right, maybe we should sell hammers by the "pound."

'I can count on one hand the number of contracts that I didn't finish on time.'