Crafting Comedians Gifts

Outlaw Quilting Bees

"I know this is not a proper job for a PhD, Mom, but I have student loans to repay."

'I knew there was part of the pattern missing!'

Do it yourself books.

I thought I was proposing to Sally, but evidently I was challenging her to a twenty year series of debates.

'Masonry robot, what are you doing?'

Lumber Yard. Luxury Homes! Some Assembly Required.

"Nice touch." - Resume playing music.

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

"What do I do - I'm a mouse pilot, like everybody else."

'I knew there was part of the pattern missing!'

'The best gig I can get you for your comeback, Lazarus, is DJ in the graveyard slot.'

"Yeah, uh, maybe you're not cut out to be the 'sparkly' kind of vampire."

'Look at it this way ... one bad job can can give you all the experience you'll ever need.'

Building a better America - Financing by The Bank of China.

"Your former employer said you demonstrated a remarkable amount of 'get up and go'...especially when you were fired."

Where do you see yourself in five years? 35.

"I followed the money and it led me to Edgar."

"Oh, don't mind us. We boo everybody."

"Your accomplishments speak for themselves. Unfortunately for you, I'm completely fluent in exaggeration."

'A beaver wearing a mountie hat riding a moose! Still think we haven't crossed into Canada?'

"And I suppose my greatest feature is that I don't mind kissing a little booty to get ahead!"

"We've been married 32 years. How can you possibly still be in beta?"

"Drat!. . . We've run out of ice..."

'According to my Dad, bosses are just like headmasters. The only difference is that they give you money every month.'

Poorly planned Chanukah crafts

Super Homeworld

Memory Foam Mattress.

'Tell me about yourself. If I stay awake, you've got the job.'

"You have your emotional support animal and I have mine."

Certificate in Living Room Celebrating Three Days Without Argument

'All this job requires is some mud-wallowing and snarling... I'd say you're overqualified.'

"Hold on, one more thing to go."

'Why do they have to be ivory knitting needles?'

"The demands of this job can place quite a burden on your family, so we recommend you fake your own death."