Career Coach Humorist Gifts

'Take my advice - if you get a tattoo, put it where it will not show on a job interview.'

'Did I lie on my resume? Absolutely not!'

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

'And remember to emphasize we're giving them the opportunity to find a better job.'

Others will fight for you

Business books - Who's Who & Who's Downsized sections.

'Don't think of it as being a yes man, think of it as being an employed man.'

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

'I clawed my way to the top and then I clawed my way back to the middle.'

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

"I hate performance review season."

"I'm sorry, but we're looking for someone who's more likely to be followed than following."

"This is probably not the time to admit I only joined the force because I figured we'd just be chasing cat burglars."

'Oh for heaven's sake, you're a cow. Just eat grass and be happy.'

"Hiring someone to replace me and then expecting me to train him just doesn't sit well with me."

"Actually, it's more like a mouse race."

'When I was young, I said I'd make it big or know the reason why - Well, I sure know the reason why!'

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"So what makes you think you're qualified for this job?"

'Perkins, we're getting rid of some of the dead wood around here.'

'Your resume is impressive, but next time try to shorten it from 100 pages to one.'

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

"I have a Bachelor's degree from Columbia, an MBA from Stanford, six years experience, and I'm a hell of a mouser."

Chicken Little Inc. Pecking Order.

"Hope you weren't planning on leaving early."

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

"How can you have a meteoric rise to the top in a one-story building?"

"Back when I was your age the only way to get a promotion was kissing butt."

Between Offices

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"Today we are going to find out if you can that leap."

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

'When training my son, keep him totally ignorant. I'm grooming him to be VP in-charge-of -denials.'