Career Coach Comedy Fan Gifts

"I hope you've had as much fun training me as I've had being trained."

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

'This job is for a 30 hour week. . .but to achieve that you need to work 60 hours a week.'

'And remember to emphasize we're giving them the opportunity to find a better job.'

Others will fight for you

'Don't think of it as being a yes man, think of it as being an employed man.'

Business books - Who's Who & Who's Downsized sections.

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

'I clawed my way to the top and then I clawed my way back to the middle.'

"I hate performance review season."

"I'm sorry, but we're looking for someone who's more likely to be followed than following."

'Oh for heaven's sake, you're a cow. Just eat grass and be happy.'

"Hiring someone to replace me and then expecting me to train him just doesn't sit well with me."

"Actually, it's more like a mouse race."

"So what makes you think you're qualified for this job?"

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

'When I was young, I said I'd make it big or know the reason why - Well, I sure know the reason why!'

'Your resume is impressive, but next time try to shorten it from 100 pages to one.'

'Perkins, we're getting rid of some of the dead wood around here.'

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

"I have a Bachelor's degree from Columbia, an MBA from Stanford, six years experience, and I'm a hell of a mouser."

"Back when I was your age the only way to get a promotion was kissing butt."

Between Offices

"How can you have a meteoric rise to the top in a one-story building?"

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

Chicken Little Inc. Pecking Order.

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

"Today we are going to find out if you can that leap."

"I am dressed for the job I want."

'I don't understand. You've wasted the whole interview going on and on about what you know... I think you'd better start telling me who you know.'

"I'm looking for a 'yes man' who can say 'no' without sounding negative"

'Impressive resume, We'll verify it through Facebook, Twitter and Tumblr and get back to you,'

"Wow...your resume is quite impressive."

"I see by your resume that you're having trouble finding work because you pad your resume."