Care Plan Critic Gifts

'Hang on a minute, Mother...why does your care plan include me 'popping to the bookies' for you?'

'Call me immediately if there's any serious side effects so I can notify my lawyer.'

"Surgery up here is free!"

"This just in: According to a recent poll, painkillers have replaced religion as the opiate of the masses."

Who gets the anti-corona vaccine?

"I'm prescribing a patch. It will dispense meds as permitted by your insurance company."

"... and keep him off al news coverage of healthcare reforms."

'We'll see significant savings in health care costs with our new in-house operations.'

"Republicans, Democrats...as long as they keep getting sick, we'll be all right."

"I'd like to approve a second opinion but your HMO considers that experimental medicine."

"We are here to remove a blockage in your bank account."

BMA criticises 'Black Hole' of NHS IT spending

'So far, all I can tell you for sure is how much I've charged you.'

Pay Hospital Bill Here.

'Rising health costs are the biggest drain on the economy, so I'll be laying off some of my patients.'

The World Pharmaceutical Corporation

NHS Reforms: See No Evil, Hear No Evil and Speak No Evil.

'I wasn't feeling ill, doctor, until I started hearing about the NHS reforms.'

Republican Healthcare

"It looks like we're out of sample placebos."

Have you drugged your child today?

'You're suffering from a lack of profit-making opportunities within the NHS.'

"Whatever doesn't kill me gives me the chance to try new prescriptions."

Surgical Self-Service

'Yes we do have health benefits, but read the fine print. You're only allowed to get sick once every three years.'

"I couldn't afford health insurance, so I became a Christian Scientist."

'Doctor, are you going to finance it or shall I just bill Medicare?'

'Hmmm ... no health insurance. Take him to the Intensive I Don't Care Unit.'

'The bad news is you have a disease that only a highly-paid specialist can pronounce.'

"But Doctor - will the government pay for Ferris Buelleritis?"

"From one to ten, ten being the worst, describe how poorly drawn and antiquated this pain chart is."

'Sales are up 12% since we moved Recovery over here to the hospital gift shop.'

"He may be dead but according to this survey his paperwork is WORLD CLASS!"

"I'm sorry, Mr Percival, but what you've got is not economically treatable."

"Your health insurance doesn't cover what you've got...so I'm diagnosing you with something they do cover."