Card Comedians Gifts

'I'm looking for a card that says if I didn't get you this, I'd never hear the end of it.'

Occu-Pie Mars

They're Not Just That Into It

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

'Are we nearly there yet?'

"I was going to play the Moonlight Sonata, but I forgot the key."

'But I think my strongest asset as an employee is my aversion to pretense, coupled with an unwavering commitment to a regular-guy persona!'

A likely story - lost his waterskis in a poker game !

'I'm SECRET Santa, kid.'

'Very funny!'

'Our tabby was pre-approved for a credit card!'

"Galileo, I've had about enough of all your gravity experiments!"

"But, Jesus - you can't become an atheist."

"Morning, sir. We've received reports that you've been wielding an inappropriate attitude without a permit."

The Porkypine Pals - Moon Business

Woody Allen

'Isn't this cast great? Dr. Emily's minor was sculpture in college!'

". . . and that dumb Mrs. Parker could have figured I had the Ace, King and Jack, but no, she goes ahead bidding in hearts. . ."

An early turning-point in old Hollywood...

'It's a new record, mom - there are six of us in here!'

Frank and Ernie's Classic Cars. '40s - '50s - '60s. Hi! Do you have any cars with fins in the back? Sorry, sir, nothing with Fins in the back -- but there are a couple with Norwegians in the trunk!

'Mr. Whipple, what other qualifications do you have - apart from your quite excellent Donald Duck impression?'

'Make sport of the Queen.'

"We think we've found the murder weapon Sir"

"I thought it would be cheaper to weed wack our shag carpet rather than replace it."

For every dog who gets the window seat, there's Steve, the designated driver.

"You're hired! We need someone like you to encourage humor in the workplace."

'This decaf's lousy.'

Ferguson, Bramley, Osgood & Holt - Big Frogs in a Small Pond.

'This wouldn't have happened if you'd played catch with me more.'

Leftie Trump

Research indicates seven deadly sins are treatable with drugs,

Man on desert island under expired parking meter, meter maid in boat approaches.

"I don't even know when late night begins anymore."

'I'm a jester -- my socks aren't supposed to match!'