Card Comedians Pillows

'I'm looking for a card that says if I didn't get you this, I'd never hear the end of it.'

Occu-Pie Mars

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

'Are we nearly there yet?'

"I was going to play the Moonlight Sonata, but I forgot the key."

'I'm SECRET Santa, kid.'

'But I think my strongest asset as an employee is my aversion to pretense, coupled with an unwavering commitment to a regular-guy persona!'

A likely story - lost his waterskis in a poker game !

'Very funny!'

'Our tabby was pre-approved for a credit card!'

"Morning, sir. We've received reports that you've been wielding an inappropriate attitude without a permit."

"But, Jesus - you can't become an atheist."

'Isn't this cast great? Dr. Emily's minor was sculpture in college!'

". . . and that dumb Mrs. Parker could have figured I had the Ace, King and Jack, but no, she goes ahead bidding in hearts. . ."

"We think we've found the murder weapon Sir"

'It's a new record, mom - there are six of us in here!'

An early turning-point in old Hollywood...

'Make sport of the Queen.'

'Mr. Whipple, what other qualifications do you have - apart from your quite excellent Donald Duck impression?'

'This wouldn't have happened if you'd played catch with me more.'

'This decaf's lousy.'

"I thought it would be cheaper to weed wack our shag carpet rather than replace it."

For every dog who gets the window seat, there's Steve, the designated driver.

Ferguson, Bramley, Osgood & Holt - Big Frogs in a Small Pond.

"You're hired! We need someone like you to encourage humor in the workplace."

Research indicates seven deadly sins are treatable with drugs,

'Today stocks acting 'funny peculiar' outnumbered 'funny ha-ha' stocks by a 2-1 margin.'

Man on desert island under expired parking meter, meter maid in boat approaches.

"I don't even know when late night begins anymore."

'I'm a jester -- my socks aren't supposed to match!'