Card Humorist Pillows

". . . and that dumb Mrs. Parker could have figured I had the Ace, King and Jack, but no, she goes ahead bidding in hearts. . ."

Jack's Cards

"Lassie, go get help!" "Oh Timmy you idiot! Not again!"

"Being raised in the city, Fred didn’t quite grasp the true purpose of a game camera."

"In high school, I was quite the star in metal shop."

Copycats

In his younger days Spock was quite the comedian.

"'I don't want war'. . . well, wither our translation program is broke or this president has a strange kind of humor!"

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"Now, were those friends of your Gettys or Gottis?"

'My body has rejected every diet I've tried.'

'Of course I'll still love you when you're old and skinny!'

Seniors Snooker Tournament.

I will study my speling words...

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

"Couldn't you have just laughed instead of spelling 'LOL' in your alphabet soup?"

'..and we thank thee for these bio-engineered vegetables..'

"These are the very weapons your mother and I used in our famous duel."

'As you can see by the pie chart, most of our expenses go to well, pie.'

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

Dog Walking Services

"When is my next parole hearing?"

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

"Even the waiters here are organic."

"Well, isn't that embarrassing."

"Great cruise except the zip lining got flooded."

"Don't worry about your purchase not working. Everything we sell here is totally non-functional."

Outer Space Outsourcing

THE PIED PIPER OF GRAMERCY PARK

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

"But everyone is befuddled by math."

"Boss, the AI is actually smarter than all of us! It read our business forecast, jumped up and ran out laughing!"

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

Jurassic Parking Lot