Card Humorist Pillows

". . . and that dumb Mrs. Parker could have figured I had the Ace, King and Jack, but no, she goes ahead bidding in hearts. . ."

Jack's Cards

"Lassie, go get help!" "Oh Timmy you idiot! Not again!"

"Being raised in the city, Fred didn’t quite grasp the true purpose of a game camera."

"In high school, I was quite the star in metal shop."

Copycats

"'I don't want war'. . . well, wither our translation program is broke or this president has a strange kind of humor!"

"Now, were those friends of your Gettys or Gottis?"

In his younger days Spock was quite the comedian.

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

'My body has rejected every diet I've tried.'

Seniors Snooker Tournament.

I will study my speling words...

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

"Couldn't you have just laughed instead of spelling 'LOL' in your alphabet soup?"

'Of course I'll still love you when you're old and skinny!'

"These are the very weapons your mother and I used in our famous duel."

'..and we thank thee for these bio-engineered vegetables..'

'As you can see by the pie chart, most of our expenses go to well, pie.'

"No, there was no 'Buy One, Get One Free.' You're twins."

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

"Don't worry about your purchase not working. Everything we sell here is totally non-functional."

"Boss, the AI is actually smarter than all of us! It read our business forecast, jumped up and ran out laughing!"

Dog Walking Services

"Well, isn't that embarrassing."

THE PIED PIPER OF GRAMERCY PARK

"Even the waiters here are organic."

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

Outer Space Outsourcing

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"Great cruise except the zip lining got flooded."

"But everyone is befuddled by math."

"When is my next parole hearing?"

'You say 'dead.' I say 'low maintenance.''