Captain Of Excuses Pillows

'Your wife didn't do this. I'd recognize your handwriting anywhere.'

Captain in a storm

"I think I've figured out why we can't find the marina."

"Yes I know, and you dropped sauce on your shirt."

"Sorry, Rick, but no thongs means no thongs."

"I have to rest. The 'check engine' light on my activity tracker just came on."

'Truth? I am just looking out the window...'

'Well, it wasn't my lucky day... first there was that shark and then I bimped into a bunch of beaver!'

'If we get out of this alive, I'm going to have a darn good look at your resume.'

"It's not my fault! The Russians must have hacked my brain!"

Welsh airport arrivals.

'Trust me, you're not going to need an alarm clock.'

Captain looks out of a porthole and notices that the ship is sinking.

'I like to greet the new team members myself.'

"The Captain really, really hates losing at shuffleboard."

"This crew gets 15 miles to the pound of gruel. They're very fuel efficient."

It became increasingly difficult for the captain to reward his crew and still maintain his ferocious reputation.

"How can you feel queasy, we're barely out of port."

Captain Ahab (Ret.)

Verbal Orders

And overcoming their resistance by sheer skill.

'Captain, there's someone pissing in the hold!'

"A storm rages from the East - tell the men to get below and snuggle up for movie night."

What really happened on the EVER GIVEN

Solemn Reference is Made to Mr Bunsby

"Get those decks cleaned you swabs!..."

The crew can no longer tolerate Captain Bligh's ruthless splitting of infinitives."

Procrastinator Hall of Fame

Pets are not only good companions, they're good excuses.

"This is their way of reminding us how we're losing our best hope for Olympic Gold."

'I told you we should have unionized.'

'So it's true that dolphins help navigate.'

'Well, we still think you're a naughty boy, running away to sea like that!'

"Sorry, Captain, but we have to let you go. You just lack leader-ship skills."