Capitalism Comedian Gifts

Have you hugged your money today?

Thrift: have your arms and legs amputated, use a pillow for a bed!

"Gas. Regular. Premium. Super. You don’t want to know."

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

'Pretty strange term, market share, considering the whole object is not to.'

Yes, they are all dependants."

"The fish - will it be the market price at the time of ordering, the time of eating or the time of paying?"

'Sorry, folks! The CEO and Board of Directors didn't show up.'

"No, it hasn't, but when the sky does fall your investments are going to do very, very, well.''

'Nonsense, Harry, it's my treat. I'm filing for bankruptcy tomorrow.'

"It would appear they worshipped the almighty dollar."

Aliens - 'We heard stuff is cheap here.'

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

Trickledown economics

Office of economic forecasting.

Escaping Black Hole - '..But captain that's the pensions black hole there is no escape!'

'It's the NEW Chinese Stock Market Report.'

'We buy and sell them.'

'I thought up the term 'too big to fail'. So where's my bonus?'

"We went dutch - he must have reached his two-hundred-dollar dating deductible."

"This town ain't big enough for the both of us and, even if it was, I doubt either of us could afford to buy a place here given the current sellers' market."

'Today the stock market closed early so money managers could take time to stop and smell the profits.'

'Oh dear. I seem to have put the decimal point in the wrong place again.'

"I know they say that laughter at work is healthy, but not when they're laughing at our profit forecasts!"

'This drug treats 'stock market jitters' but a side effect is 'irrational exuberance'.'

'Today a ray of hope . . .'

A Double-Dip Recession with Sprinkles

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'

TELLER, 'Thirty-seven dollars? -- you call THAT overdrawn?'

'Consumer confidence is up.. in the 'Money in the mattress' sector.'

"That man's a legend in this office. He has 100% accuracy in predicting the past."

'Great! Thanks to the damn mortage crisis, we've got to live in a neighbourhood now where we wake up with yellow feet every second morning...'

'Slaug-ter house? I wonder what that is. C'mon, I'll race you!'