Capitalist Comedian Gifts

'I thought up the term 'too big to fail'. So where's my bonus?'

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

Thrift: have your arms and legs amputated, use a pillow for a bed!

"Gas. Regular. Premium. Super. You don’t want to know."

'Pretty strange term, market share, considering the whole object is not to.'

"With an average vote of 3.5 stars, the legislation is passed."

Cafe investors: I'd like your support in acquiring the lemonade stand down the street. By cutting redundant labor, marketing and technology. I place our annual savings at $17 billion. The phone company investors bought it. Can monkey lick your head?

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

Trickledown economics

Aliens - 'We heard stuff is cheap here.'

Wall Street Money Never Sleeps. They've obviously never seen my investment portfolio.

"It would appear they worshipped the almighty dollar."

"Good to see they're trying to keep the high street vibe."

'Nonsense, Harry, it's my treat. I'm filing for bankruptcy tomorrow.'

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

Office of economic forecasting.

"Okay, what if we go outside - will it still be insider trading then?"

'Oh dear. I seem to have put the decimal point in the wrong place again.'

Have you hugged your money today?

'We buy and sell them.'

'Today the stock market closed early so money managers could take time to stop and smell the profits.'

'It's the NEW Chinese Stock Market Report.'

"This town ain't big enough for the both of us and, even if it was, I doubt either of us could afford to buy a place here given the current sellers' market."

"We went dutch - he must have reached his two-hundred-dollar dating deductible."

Ted Cruz announced he's running for president. He's not going to win. He was the first to announce. No first-announcer has won since 1952. Besides, his name's too similar to Tom Cruise. And Tom Cruise is so not in right now. HOJ. We should have our own political show. If I an do it shirtless, I'm in.

"I know they say that laughter at work is healthy, but not when they're laughing at our profit forecasts!"

A Double-Dip Recession with Sprinkles

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'

'Someday, Son, all of this will be yo....!'

Investments: Still Open to New Investors - 'A fool & his money fund.'

TELLER, 'Thirty-seven dollars? -- you call THAT overdrawn?'

'Consumer confidence is up.. in the 'Money in the mattress' sector.'

"That man's a legend in this office. He has 100% accuracy in predicting the past."

Grand Opening and Closing Down Sale simultaneously occurring.

'Dad, somehow I got into the IRS files.'