Capitalist Chuckler Gifts

'Fred is a social conservative -- he believes in slow food and heavy beer.'

"The subwoofers really help."

'I'm sorry Timmy, but if I keep going for help, you'll never learn to take care of yourself,'

Darwin first tested his theory in a letter to a magazine ('Lookalike' letter points to similarity between man and ape.)

I have decided that all future board meetings will be held before lunch.

'He hasn't responded to training - he still insists on taking Alec to his slippers....'

"When Butcher Bob gets back from lunch this one is getting a vasectomy."

Lady sees door sign next to ENT: 'Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes'.

'I thought up the term 'too big to fail'. So where's my bonus?'

"Our cat is the only god this home needs."

Have you hugged your money today?

'Ain't no lonelier life than being a free-range chicken boy.'

'I make certain all my clients are pessimists...they don't expect to win.'

Corona virus: "Wow, I seem to be getting lots of attention lately."

Kisses--Sniff Your A-hole.

'The hair plugs are that noticeable, huh?'

'I think cowboys are just plain lazy: Why else would you have to carry them all the time?'

"You've got to admit, he wears the 'that dog won't hunt' label with a lot of class!"

'Get with it, buddy -- that mile of highway you adopted has snow all over it!'

"Pandemic! That's a pretty name."

'Bless you!'

'Yes, I did receive your resume. As a matter of fact, I'm passing it around the office as we speak.'

'Time's up, chuckles.'

"I keep getting into a flap."

J-J-JOE'S B-B-BAR, 'Actually, Joe's done pretty well for a guy with a speech impediment.'

"I just talked to Grunzman on the phone when he called in sick...I fear he really has got something very, very highly contagious!"

'Alimony is like having to pay instalments on a car after you have written it off!'

"I've found it the easiest way to administer nose drops!"