Capitalism Comedian Pillows

Have you hugged your money today?

"Gas. Regular. Premium. Super. You don’t want to know."

Thrift: have your arms and legs amputated, use a pillow for a bed!

"The Capt'n maintains a balanced portfolio should include a number of off-shore accounts."

'Pretty strange term, market share, considering the whole object is not to.'

Yes, they are all dependants."

"The fish - will it be the market price at the time of ordering, the time of eating or the time of paying?"

'Sorry, folks! The CEO and Board of Directors didn't show up.'

"No, it hasn't, but when the sky does fall your investments are going to do very, very, well.''

Trickledown economics

"It would appear they worshipped the almighty dollar."

Aliens - 'We heard stuff is cheap here.'

"Good to see they're trying to keep the high street vibe."

"It's this trend that leads us to believe we should supplement our oil commodities with investments in some of the Earth's rich vinegar and crouton reserves."

Wall Street Money Never Sleeps. They've obviously never seen my investment portfolio.

'Nonsense, Harry, it's my treat. I'm filing for bankruptcy tomorrow.'

Office of economic forecasting.

Escaping Black Hole - '..But captain that's the pensions black hole there is no escape!'

"Okay, what if we go outside - will it still be insider trading then?"

'Today the stock market closed early so money managers could take time to stop and smell the profits.'

'Oh dear. I seem to have put the decimal point in the wrong place again.'

"This town ain't big enough for the both of us and, even if it was, I doubt either of us could afford to buy a place here given the current sellers' market."

'It's the NEW Chinese Stock Market Report.'

"I know they say that laughter at work is healthy, but not when they're laughing at our profit forecasts!"

"We went dutch - he must have reached his two-hundred-dollar dating deductible."

'We buy and sell them.'

'I thought up the term 'too big to fail'. So where's my bonus?'

'This drug treats 'stock market jitters' but a side effect is 'irrational exuberance'.'

'Today a ray of hope . . .'

'Eddie, you've tried aggressive growth, multicaps, small caps, blue chips...now maybe it's time to try a support group for underperforming portfolios?'

A Double-Dip Recession with Sprinkles

TELLER, 'Thirty-seven dollars? -- you call THAT overdrawn?'

'Consumer confidence is up.. in the 'Money in the mattress' sector.'

Grand Opening and Closing Down Sale simultaneously occurring.

"That man's a legend in this office. He has 100% accuracy in predicting the past."