Calorie Counter's Nemesis Gifts

'The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it!'

Excess Baggage: Some folks believe that calories consumed during vacation do not count against your diet.

"It's called Devil's Food Cake because each slice contains 1000 calories!"

'We must be 50,000 calories away from home by now.'

'I never should have ordered the diet platter.'

"Can you come back? We're still counting carbs."

Secretive Weigh In.

"The most I'll splurge on my diet is on a boneless, skinless carrot."

"When you've lost fifteen pounds...that's when the refrigerator gets returned!"

"I hate it when the damned things decide they need to get out and burn off some calories."

"I hope that's low calorie eye of newt."

"When portions are this huge, I eat half now and the rest in a few minutes."

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

All Natural Nothing

"I want to leave myself some caloric margin of error for dessert."

"Are these prices?" "No, that's our Calorie-fixe menu."

7 brownies worth of exercise.

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

'For the first 500 calories of what we are about to receive, make us truly thankful.'

'I won't tell my thighs if you don't..'

'Diet considerations.'

"If we crunch the numbers, it should have zero calories."

Dieting Motivation.

Woman Weighing Herself on Two Scales.

Sisyphus Sawyer

'I'm putting you on a 'whatever tastes good, don't eat it' diet.'

"I eat a totally plant-based diet and I still can't lose weight."

'Good. Then there's no reason to stay on this diet any longer.'

Extra Rich Cream Cakes

'This exotic dessert I make is guilt-free. I already burned all the calories running around finding the ingredients!'

Dinosaurs ponder fad dieting prior to extinction.

'I'll have one regular cheese-burger from column 'A', and one negative-calories cheese-burger from column 'B'.'

Weight Loss Counselor, out for a 400 calorie lunch.

Joe's Weight Gain: 'Hey, Victoria...I like this diet you told me about yesterday...I just lost 2 more while we've been talking.'

I've been told I can order a small mocha. Told? Because of my heart rate and activity level over the past seven days, I've been allotted a daily limit of 1,426 calories. I'm told that's just enough to include one small mocha. Hold on … there's vibrating ... Hold on ... hold on ... buffering ... Bing! Fitness overlords says I'm one calorie away from a medium mocha. It says yelling burns one calorie. I've got to get that app.