Call Center Critic Pillows

'For the wrong department: Press one. . . for a patronizing excuse: Press two. . .'

Hello, thank you for calling Mistercard. We are experiencing heavy call volume. Your call will be answered in the next 17 hours. In the meantime, your interest payments are continuing to rise. Please enjoy the hold music. You gotta admire the audacity.

Your call is very important to us, at least until we get more information.

'No I won't press one, two or a million. I want to speak to a human being!'

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

'Mr. Coleman is on vacation. Would you care to hold?'

'If you want to hear the ocean, press one.'

Payback Time

"I'm afraid that due to a recent reorientation of forward facing customer resource functionality you're going to have to make the complaint to yourself... in triplicate."

"Take this mission statement and rewrite it so that it sounds like we care about our customers."

"Don't make me send over the bad waitress."

'Thanks to his brilliant conversation techniques, Bob had the shortest calls.'

'Your call is very important to us, so please continue to hold.'

"We emphasize personal service. Our broker-client ratio is three to one."

"We need to talk about your driving. Some of your passengers have been complaining."

"Never mind - we waited so long that we ordered pizza from the place across the street!"

Customer tangled up in velvet rope is trying to ring bell for help.

'Ladies and Gentlemen we regret to announce there will be a slight delay to your flight.'

'Thank you for calling the bullpen,,, To continue in English, Press one,,,'

'Never mind what I'm wearing!'

'Ed's busy, but someone who speaks out of both sides of his mouth will be right with you.'

"It's a new bank policy, sir - Transactions under $500 just aren't worth our while."

"One more remark like that, lady, and you'll never get to see this show."

Will take headphones off and stop ignoring people at...

'You are through to 24/7 support...our helpline times are between 8am and 7pm.'

"Thank you for not taking our customer satisfaction surney at the end this call. Now I can be rude to you with impunity."

"Please stay on the line....Your call is being ignored in the order in which it was received."

"Thank you for calling the honesty foundation, your call in unimportant to us, so leave a message for us to laugh at when you hear the tone..."

'We guarantee you won't get your money back.'

"In the time I’ve been on hold with this collection agency, my debt has been bought and sold to another collection agency!"

"We're shorthanded - open your own!"

Walmart vs. Target.

"Please stay on the line. All of our customer-service representatives are kidding around and throwing paper airplanes at each other."

'I think he's recognized us: I told you we should have left a tip last time...'

'And just FYI, I was a caterpillar when you first put me on hold!'