Call Center Critic Prints

'For the wrong department: Press one. . . for a patronizing excuse: Press two. . .'

'No I won't press one, two or a million. I want to speak to a human being!'

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

'Mr. Coleman is on vacation. Would you care to hold?'

'If you want to hear the ocean, press one.'

"I'm afraid that due to a recent reorientation of forward facing customer resource functionality you're going to have to make the complaint to yourself... in triplicate."

"Take this mission statement and rewrite it so that it sounds like we care about our customers."

"Don't make me send over the bad waitress."

'Thanks to his brilliant conversation techniques, Bob had the shortest calls.'

'Your call is very important to us, so please continue to hold.'

"We need to talk about your driving. Some of your passengers have been complaining."

"We emphasize personal service. Our broker-client ratio is three to one."

"Never mind - we waited so long that we ordered pizza from the place across the street!"

Customer tangled up in velvet rope is trying to ring bell for help.

'Never mind what I'm wearing!'

'Ed's busy, but someone who speaks out of both sides of his mouth will be right with you.'

'Ladies and Gentlemen we regret to announce there will be a slight delay to your flight.'

"It's a new bank policy, sir - Transactions under $500 just aren't worth our while."

'Thank you for calling the bullpen,,, To continue in English, Press one,,,'

Will take headphones off and stop ignoring people at...

"One more remark like that, lady, and you'll never get to see this show."

'You are through to 24/7 support...our helpline times are between 8am and 7pm.'

'We guarantee you won't get your money back.'

"In the time I’ve been on hold with this collection agency, my debt has been bought and sold to another collection agency!"

"Thank you for not taking our customer satisfaction surney at the end this call. Now I can be rude to you with impunity."

"Please stay on the line....Your call is being ignored in the order in which it was received."

"We're shorthanded - open your own!"

"Thank you for calling the honesty foundation, your call in unimportant to us, so leave a message for us to laugh at when you hear the tone..."

"Please stay on the line. All of our customer-service representatives are kidding around and throwing paper airplanes at each other."

'I think he's recognized us: I told you we should have left a tip last time...'

'And just FYI, I was a caterpillar when you first put me on hold!'

"Due to heavy call volume, your wait time will be six years."

Budget Air - Click here if you agree to be being treated like dirt

"Your issue should be simple to resolve. I'll just go and get someone less qualified to help you."

"If you would like to listen to music while you are on hold press 1, If you would like some quiet time to work out how much this call is costing press 2, if...."