Cafe Detective T-Shirts

"This joint has lousy online reviews, what would you recommend I order?"

Try to guess the continent dining...

"I'll have the Investigator's Special."

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

"And how is last week's tilapia tonight?"

'How is the water prepared?'

"I think you should be aware that the chef is a summer intern."

'Waiter, there's a Fly-Agaric in my soup.'

"We add an eighteen percent gratuity for parties of six or more."

"You know why they make these straws so big? It's a scam to make you drink fast so you can finish quicker and order more."

'This fortune cookie says 'buy oriental tea futures'...'

'You've had enough!'

"Hey!-This looks like a good place!"

"I'm Todd, your waiter, and I'd like you to think our friendship is more than contextual."

"And finally the chef's surprise - the check!"

"...I should have seen it coming...The busboys, the waiters, the dishwashers, the maitre d', all stealing shrimp, caviar, lobster, but ah, the strawberries, that's where I had them?"

'I have a bad feeling about this place, Watson... and I smell a rat!'

Rare Medical Conditions - The compulsive desire to work out restaurant bills correctly

"How did I find my lamb chop? Well, I lifted up a roast potato and there it was."

'I said, 'I'd like to see the chef!''

"Don't tell him anything."

"How 'local' is the fish?"

"I'll have your check in a moment, sir."

"Yes, a table for three: me, him and his ego."

CSI Fridays

Plane with banner shoots at another.

"You can tell it's a classy restaurant - they're ignoring us with panache."

"Time! Ladies and gentlemen please, for yet another probe into the brewing industry"

'Mine was stone cold.'

"Are there any reports of illness at this table?"

'There's something wrong with the slow cooker. I check it every minute but nothing's cooking!'

'No, no... I ordered a tart, not a tort!'

"'Tofu'? Qu'est-ce que c'est 'tofu'?"

'We're at an Italian restaurant this time, Kevin -- those are breadsticks, not giant-size chopsticks.'

"To prevent any complaints like "when will our ordered food be served" guests can now follow the work in the kitchen on TV."